Speaking Too Soon

Hey Guys!

As of my last blog I was:
-Officially deemed "sarcoma free" per pathology report!
-Told that I'll have a CT/MRI scan every 3 months, graduating based on report, for the next 5 years!
-By the grace of God, radiation shrunk my cancer so small that my radiation oncologist (Dr. Godette) and my sarcoma specialist surgeon (Dr. Monson-both Emory Healthcare) could pop that cancer right off of my nerve. It's an incredible blessing that the only thing sliced and diced was tissue and skin. Originally they thought I'd never be able to use to my left hand again but boy were they proven wrong!

Let me first begin with my "sarcoma free" voicemail and what was left in between....starting with surgery! Yay!

I spent the night before surgery at my parent's house with a sunken heart and complete worry with one eye open-VERY open. It was extremely difficult to sleep with my dad on my mind as he has and will also be my strength. How do I know he approved and sturdied my path? It's honestly a peace of mind and overwhelming power of love that I've felt since he has been the commander in chief with my cancer diagnosis. It's been nothing but a "LET'S DO THIS" mentality just as he had done so; Therefore, I'll do everything in my power to continuously honor his fight! Ok, back to the surgery, I checked into Emory Midtown at 5 am on November 18th with my mom in tow and was given a beeper. Wow, how junior high of you Emory?! However, it benefitted my mom's anxiety level in the long run (beeps when I was in pre-op, surgery, and post-op) and pleasantly provided my mom with comfort.

As soon as that beeper beeped its heart out, at a little past 5 am, my whole heart sank and gave 100% to hold back the tears of sadness. "Take off all of your clothing and jewelry to prepare for surgery," said the nurse. Those words were not tainted because, HELLO, you have to get buck naked in case of an emergency, but my heart sank because this was the first time <EVER> that I had to remove my dad's thumb print pendant necklace against my will. Ever since receiving "Bubba's" sense of comfort, I've yet to release his grasp. He was my rock regardless of the personal presence.

Pulling the privacy sheets around me in the 40 bed PICU, I gratefully released tears, those that had been hidden by my reluctant self, in a thin hospital gown wearing ugly traction socks. Every question beginning with, "Why are you here?" answering in the best way possible, yet wanting to say, "read the medical record dip shit,"  but ending with, "I have cancer," sweet tea, and southern smile enclosed. All shocks of horror, pity, and sadness, I submit a smile to overcome the awkwardness. Lets be honest, I am straight forward and what you want is what you get...with that being said, me in that state + sleeping meds + anesthesia + everything else = no filter. :) I'm one of a kind.

Then again, it's a trend and basically I hit on the residents and said very inappropriate things while I was the youngest in the OR that day. I remember the anesthesiologist asking on a scale of "1 margarita to 4 margaritas how I felt," in which I replied, "depends on the type of tequila." So smart ass of me to say but then again THAT'S ME :) All I remember is the cute resident calling the next day to see how I was feeling (thank goodness I had a 20% filter)! Might as well use that to my advantage!

Waking up from surgery (violently aroused by the staff) I immediately thought I was late for work (I'M A DORK) and quickly calmed down. Aching, hurting, loopy, frustrated, and so forth does not compare to the potty mouth I spoke of when I completed surgery. Well, I started hand therapy today and that foul mouth would make my dad turn over 10 fold. IT HURTS, IS PAINFUL, SUCKS, EFFORTFUL, EXCRUCIATING, and not a feeling I wish on anyone. Now I can truly put myself in the shoes of all those patients that I treat every single day. Although painful, tired, somewhat bitter, and optimistic, I do thank the good one above for my journey as I'll be nothing but a better sister, daughter, friend, employee, therapist, and love :). hooooooo hummmm and OUCH X 10.

I've often become quite down because everything that has occurred lately (give me a break-righfully so). I specifically did not use "saddened", "discouraged", "unable", or lack there of for many reasons. I personally believe that the events given to me are those that will ultimately make me a stronger, better, and willing individual. For the reader, I do hope that ONE thought contemplated about yourself is a positive one. YOU were given a life for a reason, the career for a reason, the family for a reason, the boyfriend/girlfriend for a reason, your friends for a reason, the job for a reason, the talent for a reason, and heart for a reason (I know, it's continuous but you get the point). I would love for you to make it your mission to ultimately turn "why me" into "I can". I'll take this time to gloat as I've had multiple patients/family members describe me as the following:

"Thank you for caring".
"You're so wonderful".
"I love your spirit".
"You're the best".

These are simple words that have defined me since having cancer. My entire perspective on life has changed as well as how I'd like to be perceived by my patients. The four phrases above are true testaments given from patients/families I've treated, yet stated based on my actions and not being labeled as "26, having cancer, losing my dad, and being a nut". Don't get me wrong, I do eventually share my personal experiences with my patients (since we are all human) as I feel that connecting with each of them as a TRUE individual is the best approach for therapy. Enough enough - It's late and I am jabbering on! I am, however, extremely excited to see some fantastic high school friends (Courtney we'll miss you) on Thursday for some Mexican Fiesta and could not be more excited~ :)

AND I'D LOVE TICKETS TO THE CHICK-FIL-A bowl......insert desperate pleading HERE :) Just sayin'~

For anyone that might take a peek at this I do apologize for any grammatical errors, inappropriateness, etc as I'm tired, took a pain pill, and the rest is history. Whatever. Have a fantastic week :)


As I've told all my patients thus far, "smiling and laughter are the best medicine". As God as my witness, 95% of my present and past patients have a smile on their face :)