I can not write anything else as it is a sadness that's inexplicable yet has made me a more loving individual.
Be nice to one another, say "I love you", and live everyday as if it were your last.
I have no words.
December 24, 2011
A Simple Wish
I had a dream last night in which I requested to talk to my dad and he appeared in person. We talked vividly about things that I wish I had said prior to his passing, information he wasn't told (such as my cancer), and just making small talk. Waking up was a sad turning point knowing he wouldn't be here to enjoy Christmas with us - Mannheim Steamroller, opening each present one person at a time, and enjoying his fantastic turkey and homemade stuffing - I've never been so disappointed. My mom and I decided to visit his plot to place flowers on his, my uncle's, and grandparent's sites. Flat out - I have never held my composure so well until I finished taping the last flower on my dad's granite plot. I lost it...complete with make-up running, tears soaking my shirt, and face swollen...lost IT.
I can not write anything else as it is a sadness that's inexplicable yet has made me a more loving individual.
Be nice to one another, say "I love you", and live everyday as if it were your last.
I have no words.
I can not write anything else as it is a sadness that's inexplicable yet has made me a more loving individual.
Be nice to one another, say "I love you", and live everyday as if it were your last.
I have no words.
December 6, 2011
What I do: Part 1
I’ve had a lot of questions regarding what I do as a “speech therapist” by friends, family, patients, co-workers, etc., and have decided to break it all down, so for those that might care/want to learn, are able to walk away with an “ah ha” moment!
What do I do?
First off, there are several areas that are treated by a SLP: cognition, language, and swallowing are the meat of “what I do”; however, each area subdivides into many, many areas that are way too much to disclose in one blog. Therefore, I’ll cover a little at a time for whoever might read this thing!
I’ll start with swallowing, as it’s a necessary thing for each and every one of us to do in order to live. We swallow throughout the entire day and night, whether we are conscientious of it or not, it’s a continuous cycle. Need be our own saliva, a sip of water, a taste of breakfast, or clearing of the throat to adequately carry on a conversation, every single individual does this act whether it be known or unknown…we all have to do so in a safe manner. Well how do I know if it’s safe or not you might ask? Remember the multiple times that we constantly pick up our finger to nonverbally tell someone “hold on” and then to proceed to cough, have wet eyes, and say, “It went down the wrong pipe?” Yeah, that’s a natural response when we are extracting a foreign object from our trachea (wind pipe) because it shouldn’t be there and drive it into the laryngeal area (the right place!) to go into the esophagus. That’s what I do with patients who are fatigued, do not have enough muscular support to lift their own muscles in their throat, do not have enough energy to chew food, and/or those that choke on their own saliva.
As a speech-language pathologist (SLP) I modify food from a regular hot dog, to a ground hot dog, to a pureed hot dog (baby consistency) based on how much energy and time it takes for a person to chew food (more than 30 seconds is too long) in which I downgrade or make the food consistency easier to chew. Thus, saves energy on chewing to increase more caloric intake in which will add even more energy for physical and occupational therapy.
Another area that is a major concern are liquids. Imagine having an entire work out with nothing but a cold glass of water in sight. Add in that your larynx (voice box) does not raise high enough and you start coughing, your nose starts dripping, and you have watery eyes. Is that important? YES!!!! Those are all signs of someone who is aspirating – something that is going into the lungs (wrong pipe) rather than the stomach (esophagus) which causes pneumonia. If this persists, a SLP will thicken liquids to avoid pneumonia – aspiration pneumonia to be exact. In such case, (based on circumstance) water, or any liquid, is thickened to a nectar consistency, honey consistency, or pudding consistency. Imagine craving a cup of water that is literally as thick as some pudding?! Not appealing yet a reality. (side note – if you can’t imagine that I’ll be glad to demonstrate the consistency).
Overall, this is a BARE minimum of what entails in JUST swallowing therapy. Now I’d like to share words of praise on this subject!
I have had a patient who has despised chopped up food (think a hot dog chopped up inside of a regular bun). I have been working on strengthening tongue and throat muscles (I’ll avoid the specifics) in order to eat regular food. She has been doing a great job and I ordered her a regular hot dog, as opposed to the finely chopped meat she’s been having, and did G-R-E-A-T!!!! I’ve never seen such a happy smile on a patient so fast. When asking how it was to chew, she stated “fine”. I made her day as she made mine!!! We are still working on eating regular food but knowing that eating a hot dog was worthwhile made my day. The little things in life:). I hope that this was an insight of what “I do” and I’m always open to discuss further as you’re welcome to detour away from my boring rant :).
I am so glad that each and everyone of us has been given a purpose in life and I am always curious to learn about other professions! I have friends and family who are teachers, designers, engineers, nurses, audiologists, marketers, journalists, and so forth. All of those described take a special person in which I give praise to those for their talents! I love that we are able to practice what we love and make a difference in the world :)
I am so glad that each and everyone of us has been given a purpose in life and I am always curious to learn about other professions! I have friends and family who are teachers, designers, engineers, nurses, audiologists, marketers, journalists, and so forth. All of those described take a special person in which I give praise to those for their talents! I love that we are able to practice what we love and make a difference in the world :)
December 5, 2011
Speaking Too Soon
Hey Guys!
As of my last blog I was:
-Officially deemed "sarcoma free" per pathology report!
-Told that I'll have a CT/MRI scan every 3 months, graduating based on report, for the next 5 years!
-By the grace of God, radiation shrunk my cancer so small that my radiation oncologist (Dr. Godette) and my sarcoma specialist surgeon (Dr. Monson-both Emory Healthcare) could pop that cancer right off of my nerve. It's an incredible blessing that the only thing sliced and diced was tissue and skin. Originally they thought I'd never be able to use to my left hand again but boy were they proven wrong!
Let me first begin with my "sarcoma free" voicemail and what was left in between....starting with surgery! Yay!
I spent the night before surgery at my parent's house with a sunken heart and complete worry with one eye open-VERY open. It was extremely difficult to sleep with my dad on my mind as he has and will also be my strength. How do I know he approved and sturdied my path? It's honestly a peace of mind and overwhelming power of love that I've felt since he has been the commander in chief with my cancer diagnosis. It's been nothing but a "LET'S DO THIS" mentality just as he had done so; Therefore, I'll do everything in my power to continuously honor his fight! Ok, back to the surgery, I checked into Emory Midtown at 5 am on November 18th with my mom in tow and was given a beeper. Wow, how junior high of you Emory?! However, it benefitted my mom's anxiety level in the long run (beeps when I was in pre-op, surgery, and post-op) and pleasantly provided my mom with comfort.
As soon as that beeper beeped its heart out, at a little past 5 am, my whole heart sank and gave 100% to hold back the tears of sadness. "Take off all of your clothing and jewelry to prepare for surgery," said the nurse. Those words were not tainted because, HELLO, you have to get buck naked in case of an emergency, but my heart sank because this was the first time <EVER> that I had to remove my dad's thumb print pendant necklace against my will. Ever since receiving "Bubba's" sense of comfort, I've yet to release his grasp. He was my rock regardless of the personal presence.
Pulling the privacy sheets around me in the 40 bed PICU, I gratefully released tears, those that had been hidden by my reluctant self, in a thin hospital gown wearing ugly traction socks. Every question beginning with, "Why are you here?" answering in the best way possible, yet wanting to say, "read the medical record dip shit," but ending with, "I have cancer," sweet tea, and southern smile enclosed. All shocks of horror, pity, and sadness, I submit a smile to overcome the awkwardness. Lets be honest, I am straight forward and what you want is what you get...with that being said, me in that state + sleeping meds + anesthesia + everything else = no filter. :) I'm one of a kind.
Then again, it's a trend and basically I hit on the residents and said very inappropriate things while I was the youngest in the OR that day. I remember the anesthesiologist asking on a scale of "1 margarita to 4 margaritas how I felt," in which I replied, "depends on the type of tequila." So smart ass of me to say but then again THAT'S ME :) All I remember is the cute resident calling the next day to see how I was feeling (thank goodness I had a 20% filter)! Might as well use that to my advantage!
Waking up from surgery (violently aroused by the staff) I immediately thought I was late for work (I'M A DORK) and quickly calmed down. Aching, hurting, loopy, frustrated, and so forth does not compare to the potty mouth I spoke of when I completed surgery. Well, I started hand therapy today and that foul mouth would make my dad turn over 10 fold. IT HURTS, IS PAINFUL, SUCKS, EFFORTFUL, EXCRUCIATING, and not a feeling I wish on anyone. Now I can truly put myself in the shoes of all those patients that I treat every single day. Although painful, tired, somewhat bitter, and optimistic, I do thank the good one above for my journey as I'll be nothing but a better sister, daughter, friend, employee, therapist, and love :). hooooooo hummmm and OUCH X 10.
I've often become quite down because everything that has occurred lately (give me a break-righfully so). I specifically did not use "saddened", "discouraged", "unable", or lack there of for many reasons. I personally believe that the events given to me are those that will ultimately make me a stronger, better, and willing individual. For the reader, I do hope that ONE thought contemplated about yourself is a positive one. YOU were given a life for a reason, the career for a reason, the family for a reason, the boyfriend/girlfriend for a reason, your friends for a reason, the job for a reason, the talent for a reason, and heart for a reason (I know, it's continuous but you get the point). I would love for you to make it your mission to ultimately turn "why me" into "I can". I'll take this time to gloat as I've had multiple patients/family members describe me as the following:
"Thank you for caring".
"You're so wonderful".
"I love your spirit".
"You're the best".
These are simple words that have defined me since having cancer. My entire perspective on life has changed as well as how I'd like to be perceived by my patients. The four phrases above are true testaments given from patients/families I've treated, yet stated based on my actions and not being labeled as "26, having cancer, losing my dad, and being a nut". Don't get me wrong, I do eventually share my personal experiences with my patients (since we are all human) as I feel that connecting with each of them as a TRUE individual is the best approach for therapy. Enough enough - It's late and I am jabbering on! I am, however, extremely excited to see some fantastic high school friends (Courtney we'll miss you) on Thursday for some Mexican Fiesta and could not be more excited~ :)
AND I'D LOVE TICKETS TO THE CHICK-FIL-A bowl......insert desperate pleading HERE :) Just sayin'~
For anyone that might take a peek at this I do apologize for any grammatical errors, inappropriateness, etc as I'm tired, took a pain pill, and the rest is history. Whatever. Have a fantastic week :)
As I've told all my patients thus far, "smiling and laughter are the best medicine". As God as my witness, 95% of my present and past patients have a smile on their face :)
As of my last blog I was:
-Officially deemed "sarcoma free" per pathology report!
-Told that I'll have a CT/MRI scan every 3 months, graduating based on report, for the next 5 years!
-By the grace of God, radiation shrunk my cancer so small that my radiation oncologist (Dr. Godette) and my sarcoma specialist surgeon (Dr. Monson-both Emory Healthcare) could pop that cancer right off of my nerve. It's an incredible blessing that the only thing sliced and diced was tissue and skin. Originally they thought I'd never be able to use to my left hand again but boy were they proven wrong!
Let me first begin with my "sarcoma free" voicemail and what was left in between....starting with surgery! Yay!
I spent the night before surgery at my parent's house with a sunken heart and complete worry with one eye open-VERY open. It was extremely difficult to sleep with my dad on my mind as he has and will also be my strength. How do I know he approved and sturdied my path? It's honestly a peace of mind and overwhelming power of love that I've felt since he has been the commander in chief with my cancer diagnosis. It's been nothing but a "LET'S DO THIS" mentality just as he had done so; Therefore, I'll do everything in my power to continuously honor his fight! Ok, back to the surgery, I checked into Emory Midtown at 5 am on November 18th with my mom in tow and was given a beeper. Wow, how junior high of you Emory?! However, it benefitted my mom's anxiety level in the long run (beeps when I was in pre-op, surgery, and post-op) and pleasantly provided my mom with comfort.
As soon as that beeper beeped its heart out, at a little past 5 am, my whole heart sank and gave 100% to hold back the tears of sadness. "Take off all of your clothing and jewelry to prepare for surgery," said the nurse. Those words were not tainted because, HELLO, you have to get buck naked in case of an emergency, but my heart sank because this was the first time <EVER> that I had to remove my dad's thumb print pendant necklace against my will. Ever since receiving "Bubba's" sense of comfort, I've yet to release his grasp. He was my rock regardless of the personal presence.
Pulling the privacy sheets around me in the 40 bed PICU, I gratefully released tears, those that had been hidden by my reluctant self, in a thin hospital gown wearing ugly traction socks. Every question beginning with, "Why are you here?" answering in the best way possible, yet wanting to say, "read the medical record dip shit," but ending with, "I have cancer," sweet tea, and southern smile enclosed. All shocks of horror, pity, and sadness, I submit a smile to overcome the awkwardness. Lets be honest, I am straight forward and what you want is what you get...with that being said, me in that state + sleeping meds + anesthesia + everything else = no filter. :) I'm one of a kind.
Then again, it's a trend and basically I hit on the residents and said very inappropriate things while I was the youngest in the OR that day. I remember the anesthesiologist asking on a scale of "1 margarita to 4 margaritas how I felt," in which I replied, "depends on the type of tequila." So smart ass of me to say but then again THAT'S ME :) All I remember is the cute resident calling the next day to see how I was feeling (thank goodness I had a 20% filter)! Might as well use that to my advantage!
Waking up from surgery (violently aroused by the staff) I immediately thought I was late for work (I'M A DORK) and quickly calmed down. Aching, hurting, loopy, frustrated, and so forth does not compare to the potty mouth I spoke of when I completed surgery. Well, I started hand therapy today and that foul mouth would make my dad turn over 10 fold. IT HURTS, IS PAINFUL, SUCKS, EFFORTFUL, EXCRUCIATING, and not a feeling I wish on anyone. Now I can truly put myself in the shoes of all those patients that I treat every single day. Although painful, tired, somewhat bitter, and optimistic, I do thank the good one above for my journey as I'll be nothing but a better sister, daughter, friend, employee, therapist, and love :). hooooooo hummmm and OUCH X 10.
I've often become quite down because everything that has occurred lately (give me a break-righfully so). I specifically did not use "saddened", "discouraged", "unable", or lack there of for many reasons. I personally believe that the events given to me are those that will ultimately make me a stronger, better, and willing individual. For the reader, I do hope that ONE thought contemplated about yourself is a positive one. YOU were given a life for a reason, the career for a reason, the family for a reason, the boyfriend/girlfriend for a reason, your friends for a reason, the job for a reason, the talent for a reason, and heart for a reason (I know, it's continuous but you get the point). I would love for you to make it your mission to ultimately turn "why me" into "I can". I'll take this time to gloat as I've had multiple patients/family members describe me as the following:
"Thank you for caring".
"You're so wonderful".
"I love your spirit".
"You're the best".
These are simple words that have defined me since having cancer. My entire perspective on life has changed as well as how I'd like to be perceived by my patients. The four phrases above are true testaments given from patients/families I've treated, yet stated based on my actions and not being labeled as "26, having cancer, losing my dad, and being a nut". Don't get me wrong, I do eventually share my personal experiences with my patients (since we are all human) as I feel that connecting with each of them as a TRUE individual is the best approach for therapy. Enough enough - It's late and I am jabbering on! I am, however, extremely excited to see some fantastic high school friends (Courtney we'll miss you) on Thursday for some Mexican Fiesta and could not be more excited~ :)
AND I'D LOVE TICKETS TO THE CHICK-FIL-A bowl......insert desperate pleading HERE :) Just sayin'~
For anyone that might take a peek at this I do apologize for any grammatical errors, inappropriateness, etc as I'm tired, took a pain pill, and the rest is history. Whatever. Have a fantastic week :)
As I've told all my patients thus far, "smiling and laughter are the best medicine". As God as my witness, 95% of my present and past patients have a smile on their face :)
November 22, 2011
Completing the Exorcism (of cancer).
Hello Hello!
Why the great attitude? Well, I'm typing this with one hand as the other was operated on and is weak, I went back to work 4 days after having extensive surgery, run around all day looking/working for patients, fought with a collision center on the status of my car (apparently the men are still stuck on the idea that females are dainty folk that don't understand cars - until they met me), and can't tie my shoes or perform everyday activities without extra help/time. Again, why the great attitude? I AM CANCER FREE, RADIATION SHRUNK MY CANCER ENOUGH TO SAVE THE MAIN NERVE IN MY HAND, I'M ALIVE, AND CAN HELP BRING SMILES/HOPE TO OTHERS!
I am so excited to be done (as of now) with all of this cancer junk. Honestly, I have never been so happy to have this operation over with. Let's start with the night before surgery on November 17th. I will be completely honest when I say that I cried enough tears out of the fear of potentially losing function of my left hand....forever and for the shear thought that I was going through another procedure to correct this cancer without my dad. Let me further explain that the day my dad passed away he asked me to come the following day to show him my hand. He, at that point, passed away knowing that I had surgery to remove a tumor and never knew, on this living earth, that I subsequently was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, have been through 6 weeks of radiation, or that I had cancer excision this past Friday. Yes, I was mad and upset; However, I had an overwhelming since of comfort that he was with me, holding my hand, the entire time this past Friday. It's hard to explain but I would have an overwhelming sense of peace and strength that would impact me at any time I became hopeless.
Ok so the surgery, let's just say in true "Jenna" fashion, I said many inappropriate and straight forward things that I don't regret and hey, even had a resident call me the following day on his personal cell phone. Seriously. Then again, I am who I am and am refusing to change myself for others...but those comments and conversations are for another post (don't worry I've shared them with those who've wanted to know and am not bashful!!). The one thing I will share is the only question that had been infecting my thought process for a long time, "Will I be able to move my hand again?"
Out of my deep and medicated stupor, I hear "Jenna don't move". I was trying to get up in a panic as I always do if I'm woken from a deep sleep. I immediately calmed down and allowed my nurse to roll me into post-op. Within a couple of minutes, the "hand" worry, consumed my thoughts and I immediately asked what was taken during surgery (ok, I lied and asked for ice since my throat was dry and can COMPLETELY empathized with my NPO patients). At first the nurse told me that the doctor would speak with my mom as "I was incoherent and confused" and that I should rest until I felt able to sit up. Boy did I shoot up fast and repeat myself, not once but six times, with the same answer. I immediately got my stubborn attitude (thanks dad) and said, "listen, my mom is a smart woman but she does not understand the medical terminology that I deal with so if you can't help me then I'll find someone who can," again a pat on the back and sweet smile from the nurse. <<As a side note, if you don't know me or my demeanor, I am extremely stubborn and hard headed. I get this straight from my dad and, like him, will not take no for an answer or walk away dissatisfied.>> So I found a resident that was not in during my surgery but resides under my surgeon as well as someone I had met at pre-op visits so I knew he would be my closest source (plus, he was cute). I simply looked his way and with a cat-call finger gave him (Dr. Black) my "come-hither" signal. Initially he looked around in which I called out, "yes you!" ( did I mention I have a semi-filter naturally and absolutely no filter when medicated??). He slyly made his way over (ok, I was the only one under 65 in the post-op unit so I was a treat) and I asked him, "so, was my nerve saved or what??" in which he replied, "well, I wasn't in the OR" cutting him off I stated "I know but no one will give me answers and know you work with Dr. Monson." He then straightened up and gave me the answer I wanted (sound the trumpets) and said, "radiation shrunk your cancer and they were able to save all of your nerve. Mainly they cut out extra scar tissue from your first surgery and some muscle." Dr. Black not only are you hot, single, and wear those scrubs so well but also made my entire life!! I thanked him with tears welling up in my eyes and shook his hand with confidence to help my stamina for many moons to come. At that point I thanked the Lord for blessing me with such an amazing gift and also thanked my dad for being my rock who taught me to be strong, confident, and show no mercy.
Needless to say, when my mom was called back to see me post-op, she was surprised to see that I was the one cutting up with jokes and sitting in a chair, sipping on ginger ale as opposed to those still knocked out from much earlier surgeries. My nurse instructed "no irrational decisions" and I looked at my mom saying that I guess I could't run and get married or buy the Lambo I was eyeing, that I needed to eat blandly (we headed straight to Chick-Fil-A), and that I didn't need to operate heavy machinery (do I look like a fork lift kinda lady?), and off we went! Ok, I know that I went against procedures but what I see in my profession as well as with my dad I know that we've got to have substance and quality of life. Can I get an Amen? Long story short my belly was happy with my fast food purchase, my mind serene with the news I was told, and my body being taken care of by the pain killers I was allergic to (which was quickly followed heavily by Benedryl. Bless the man's heart that wants to marry me :)!
Fast forward to today, Tuesday exactly 3 1/2 days post-op, and myself bouncing around at work in all pink and sporting a sling. Insert "What happened?" times 50, "Did you break your hand?", "I saw you the other day and you were fine!", and "Why are you here?" I gladly told everyone that I had surgery and allotted them their own opportunity to probe for more information which frankly made me feel like a broken record by the end of the day and had me saying, "I had surgery for cancer on my hand. (insert shock) Don't worry it's rare and I'm only 1 of 3 in the world." To be quite honest the best lessons and conversations were had with each of my patients and had solidified the rationale of why God gave me cancer to ultimately help others. Yes, this is an answer that you either weren't expecting or think I am lying which I am not.
Example 1: My patient asked where I was for the past couple of days (we are working on memory) in which I told her to look around (my sling) to see if something sparked her memory. Ah Ha! She then stated that I had had surgery on my hand which left her ultimately feeling good about herself.
Example 2: My patient was ultimately down on herself stating that her right side wasn't quick like it had been (left sided stroke means right sided weakness and vice versa). After making her wheel herself down to another floor and hearing the same, repetitive statement I told her that, "Well, if your left side isn't working and my left side isn't working then we'd make the perfect pair". I received not only a smile and laugh but also a, "I've missed you'.
Example 3: A family member took her frustration out on me stating that "I didn't know what it felt to on the other side of the system and I was just dismissing problems within the system". After relentlessly telling her that I understood, would be happy to help, and will notify the proper people, I asked her (especially after saying that I was dismissing the situation) if she thought I would be lying if I told her that within a 12 hour time frame that not only did I witness my dad take his last breathe that I was also told I had a rare form of malignant cancer. Not only did her jaw drop but her entire demeanor change in entirety. As a defense for myself, I did not tell this individual to "shut her up" or obtain pity rather it was an opportunity for me to show that I am also a person with feelings, which was quickly respected.
This is a lot to read in one blog post and honestly can guarantee that some might not make sense (due to the painkiller taken). I promise to clear all of this up as this was a large, life changing even that has occurred and honestly can't be explained as the gratification is far too large for words.
The main message I am trying to convey (especially right before Thanksgiving) is that no matter what life hands you, the attitude you choose to adhere to not only helps with the healing process but also makes you recognize that situations could be worse and life is too short to dwell on the negative.
On this Thanksgiving, I am forever thankful this year to have fantastic family and friends who love me entirely for who I am, insurance that gives me that ability to have a roof over my head, a career that enables me to work with individuals who make me want to be a better person, and a functioning left radial nerve that will enable me to carry out every day activities such as brushing my hair, making my bad, and opening jars independently. What are you truly thankful for this Thanksgiving? <3
Why the great attitude? Well, I'm typing this with one hand as the other was operated on and is weak, I went back to work 4 days after having extensive surgery, run around all day looking/working for patients, fought with a collision center on the status of my car (apparently the men are still stuck on the idea that females are dainty folk that don't understand cars - until they met me), and can't tie my shoes or perform everyday activities without extra help/time. Again, why the great attitude? I AM CANCER FREE, RADIATION SHRUNK MY CANCER ENOUGH TO SAVE THE MAIN NERVE IN MY HAND, I'M ALIVE, AND CAN HELP BRING SMILES/HOPE TO OTHERS!
I am so excited to be done (as of now) with all of this cancer junk. Honestly, I have never been so happy to have this operation over with. Let's start with the night before surgery on November 17th. I will be completely honest when I say that I cried enough tears out of the fear of potentially losing function of my left hand....forever and for the shear thought that I was going through another procedure to correct this cancer without my dad. Let me further explain that the day my dad passed away he asked me to come the following day to show him my hand. He, at that point, passed away knowing that I had surgery to remove a tumor and never knew, on this living earth, that I subsequently was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, have been through 6 weeks of radiation, or that I had cancer excision this past Friday. Yes, I was mad and upset; However, I had an overwhelming since of comfort that he was with me, holding my hand, the entire time this past Friday. It's hard to explain but I would have an overwhelming sense of peace and strength that would impact me at any time I became hopeless.
Ok so the surgery, let's just say in true "Jenna" fashion, I said many inappropriate and straight forward things that I don't regret and hey, even had a resident call me the following day on his personal cell phone. Seriously. Then again, I am who I am and am refusing to change myself for others...but those comments and conversations are for another post (don't worry I've shared them with those who've wanted to know and am not bashful!!). The one thing I will share is the only question that had been infecting my thought process for a long time, "Will I be able to move my hand again?"
Out of my deep and medicated stupor, I hear "Jenna don't move". I was trying to get up in a panic as I always do if I'm woken from a deep sleep. I immediately calmed down and allowed my nurse to roll me into post-op. Within a couple of minutes, the "hand" worry, consumed my thoughts and I immediately asked what was taken during surgery (ok, I lied and asked for ice since my throat was dry and can COMPLETELY empathized with my NPO patients). At first the nurse told me that the doctor would speak with my mom as "I was incoherent and confused" and that I should rest until I felt able to sit up. Boy did I shoot up fast and repeat myself, not once but six times, with the same answer. I immediately got my stubborn attitude (thanks dad) and said, "listen, my mom is a smart woman but she does not understand the medical terminology that I deal with so if you can't help me then I'll find someone who can," again a pat on the back and sweet smile from the nurse. <<As a side note, if you don't know me or my demeanor, I am extremely stubborn and hard headed. I get this straight from my dad and, like him, will not take no for an answer or walk away dissatisfied.>> So I found a resident that was not in during my surgery but resides under my surgeon as well as someone I had met at pre-op visits so I knew he would be my closest source (plus, he was cute). I simply looked his way and with a cat-call finger gave him (Dr. Black) my "come-hither" signal. Initially he looked around in which I called out, "yes you!" ( did I mention I have a semi-filter naturally and absolutely no filter when medicated??). He slyly made his way over (ok, I was the only one under 65 in the post-op unit so I was a treat) and I asked him, "so, was my nerve saved or what??" in which he replied, "well, I wasn't in the OR" cutting him off I stated "I know but no one will give me answers and know you work with Dr. Monson." He then straightened up and gave me the answer I wanted (sound the trumpets) and said, "radiation shrunk your cancer and they were able to save all of your nerve. Mainly they cut out extra scar tissue from your first surgery and some muscle." Dr. Black not only are you hot, single, and wear those scrubs so well but also made my entire life!! I thanked him with tears welling up in my eyes and shook his hand with confidence to help my stamina for many moons to come. At that point I thanked the Lord for blessing me with such an amazing gift and also thanked my dad for being my rock who taught me to be strong, confident, and show no mercy.
Needless to say, when my mom was called back to see me post-op, she was surprised to see that I was the one cutting up with jokes and sitting in a chair, sipping on ginger ale as opposed to those still knocked out from much earlier surgeries. My nurse instructed "no irrational decisions" and I looked at my mom saying that I guess I could't run and get married or buy the Lambo I was eyeing, that I needed to eat blandly (we headed straight to Chick-Fil-A), and that I didn't need to operate heavy machinery (do I look like a fork lift kinda lady?), and off we went! Ok, I know that I went against procedures but what I see in my profession as well as with my dad I know that we've got to have substance and quality of life. Can I get an Amen? Long story short my belly was happy with my fast food purchase, my mind serene with the news I was told, and my body being taken care of by the pain killers I was allergic to (which was quickly followed heavily by Benedryl. Bless the man's heart that wants to marry me :)!
Fast forward to today, Tuesday exactly 3 1/2 days post-op, and myself bouncing around at work in all pink and sporting a sling. Insert "What happened?" times 50, "Did you break your hand?", "I saw you the other day and you were fine!", and "Why are you here?" I gladly told everyone that I had surgery and allotted them their own opportunity to probe for more information which frankly made me feel like a broken record by the end of the day and had me saying, "I had surgery for cancer on my hand. (insert shock) Don't worry it's rare and I'm only 1 of 3 in the world." To be quite honest the best lessons and conversations were had with each of my patients and had solidified the rationale of why God gave me cancer to ultimately help others. Yes, this is an answer that you either weren't expecting or think I am lying which I am not.
Example 1: My patient asked where I was for the past couple of days (we are working on memory) in which I told her to look around (my sling) to see if something sparked her memory. Ah Ha! She then stated that I had had surgery on my hand which left her ultimately feeling good about herself.
Example 2: My patient was ultimately down on herself stating that her right side wasn't quick like it had been (left sided stroke means right sided weakness and vice versa). After making her wheel herself down to another floor and hearing the same, repetitive statement I told her that, "Well, if your left side isn't working and my left side isn't working then we'd make the perfect pair". I received not only a smile and laugh but also a, "I've missed you'.
Example 3: A family member took her frustration out on me stating that "I didn't know what it felt to on the other side of the system and I was just dismissing problems within the system". After relentlessly telling her that I understood, would be happy to help, and will notify the proper people, I asked her (especially after saying that I was dismissing the situation) if she thought I would be lying if I told her that within a 12 hour time frame that not only did I witness my dad take his last breathe that I was also told I had a rare form of malignant cancer. Not only did her jaw drop but her entire demeanor change in entirety. As a defense for myself, I did not tell this individual to "shut her up" or obtain pity rather it was an opportunity for me to show that I am also a person with feelings, which was quickly respected.
This is a lot to read in one blog post and honestly can guarantee that some might not make sense (due to the painkiller taken). I promise to clear all of this up as this was a large, life changing even that has occurred and honestly can't be explained as the gratification is far too large for words.
The main message I am trying to convey (especially right before Thanksgiving) is that no matter what life hands you, the attitude you choose to adhere to not only helps with the healing process but also makes you recognize that situations could be worse and life is too short to dwell on the negative.
On this Thanksgiving, I am forever thankful this year to have fantastic family and friends who love me entirely for who I am, insurance that gives me that ability to have a roof over my head, a career that enables me to work with individuals who make me want to be a better person, and a functioning left radial nerve that will enable me to carry out every day activities such as brushing my hair, making my bad, and opening jars independently. What are you truly thankful for this Thanksgiving? <3
November 18, 2011
Deals, Deals, Deals!
I am going to admit that I am a bargain addict. Groupon, Living Social, Half Off Depot, Sweet Jack, you name it and my e-mail is registered with the company. I just found a new one called "No More Rack" and it's awesome! Check it out :)
No More Rack
No More Rack
November 14, 2011
Wordless
I am so glad that the Gabby Gifford special on ABC tonight shed light on the rehabilitative therapists and the functionality/goals that provide individuals with hope, independence, and life. Let me first start with my own personal experience. A lot of people ask what I do/what exactly a Speech-Language Pathologist does in which I simply reply with "I teach you talk and eat". Yes, that might seem easy enough or somewhat confusing but if anyone caught the Gabrielle Gifford special on ABC tonight, then you were able to see that answering simple questions as "Are you a girl?" to "What is the year?" are extremely difficult to comprehend and even answer correctly.
Let me tell you what I do: I am a speech teacher, speech-language pathologist, and someone who gives a person a voice...something we all take for granted every single day. To put it into perspective, imagine being 65 years old, had a full life of working, marriage, children, and memories to suddenly have your ability to express simple things, such as your name, knowing where you are, or unable to eat without food going into your lungs to ultimately cause pneumonia? Pretty devastating if you ask me. However, I have had the ultimate blessing to go to school and learn how to reteach all of those things to people who've had that independence stripped away from them.
Not only do I teach my patients how to say their name, I also have to reteach them how to ask questions, ask for basic needs/wants, and remember how to chew food so that they do not become malnourished. Just like in the Gabby Gifford special, I also sing songs and phrases to help teach my patients to compensate with the right side of the brain while the left side (where language is housed) is no longer as strong as it once used to be. I am not bragging about myself rather I am so proud to be apart of a monument in each of my patient's lives. Personally, the one thing I expect out of every single one of my patients is a smile. Reason being? Happiness, hope, courage, and laughter are the best medicine to drive you to become stronger and in better health. Like Gabby Gifford, I use singing to teach a certain patient, in particular, basic activities within their environment as well as releasing frustrations encountered while that blonde girl is singing :)
To be completely honest, I've been struggling with the thought of losing function of my left hand after surgery on Friday. However, I realize that all of the grief and pity I place on myself is ultimately silenced with the simple phrase "thank you" through broken speech or with a hard earned smile. Here goes my 'bragging" statement: I am whole heartedly in love with my career, know that I can go home and sleep at night believing that I helped someone, and look forward to going to work every morning.
We
Let me tell you what I do: I am a speech teacher, speech-language pathologist, and someone who gives a person a voice...something we all take for granted every single day. To put it into perspective, imagine being 65 years old, had a full life of working, marriage, children, and memories to suddenly have your ability to express simple things, such as your name, knowing where you are, or unable to eat without food going into your lungs to ultimately cause pneumonia? Pretty devastating if you ask me. However, I have had the ultimate blessing to go to school and learn how to reteach all of those things to people who've had that independence stripped away from them.
Not only do I teach my patients how to say their name, I also have to reteach them how to ask questions, ask for basic needs/wants, and remember how to chew food so that they do not become malnourished. Just like in the Gabby Gifford special, I also sing songs and phrases to help teach my patients to compensate with the right side of the brain while the left side (where language is housed) is no longer as strong as it once used to be. I am not bragging about myself rather I am so proud to be apart of a monument in each of my patient's lives. Personally, the one thing I expect out of every single one of my patients is a smile. Reason being? Happiness, hope, courage, and laughter are the best medicine to drive you to become stronger and in better health. Like Gabby Gifford, I use singing to teach a certain patient, in particular, basic activities within their environment as well as releasing frustrations encountered while that blonde girl is singing :)
To be completely honest, I've been struggling with the thought of losing function of my left hand after surgery on Friday. However, I realize that all of the grief and pity I place on myself is ultimately silenced with the simple phrase "thank you" through broken speech or with a hard earned smile. Here goes my 'bragging" statement: I am whole heartedly in love with my career, know that I can go home and sleep at night believing that I helped someone, and look forward to going to work every morning.
We
November 8, 2011
Simple Requests
Wow! I apologize for such a long delay in my blogging adventures! I've been busy with my tearful good byes from AVC and tearful hellos at my new position at Golden Living Centers! I have to take a minute and gloat about my career and how fortunate I am to be able to meet so many wonderful, inspiring, and life changing individuals. I honestly would never change what I do, no matter how emotionally and physically challenging as it may be, for anything in the entire world! Not including my internship days, I've been privileged to have met so many mothers, daughters, fathers, sons, uncles, aunts, caregivers, friends, and other loved ones that've made me realize we are always loved and cared for no matter what!
I began my new position in rehab over a week ago working with adults. Of course in my same old dork-like fashion, I arrived with all my binders marked, pencils sharpened, and smile in tact waiting on my first patients to encounter. Well, the first two days were filled with computer training (the stuff I did not want to do for a 9-5 job) with the occasional "slipping away" to observe fellow SLP's doing therapy. As soon as I walked into Golden Living I knew that I was placed there for a reason and that God was showing me yet another path to follow. I eagerly requested a patient, as the computer was not my kind of satisfaction, and was given an 80 + male with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. No problem, I'll do my best as he'll do his. Needless to say, over the past week, he has told me that we were being watched by the mob, his wife's name was "fantastic", that I was grown physically-not mentally, and today he thought that I needed to be home with a baby and waiting for my husband. Did I mention that I love my job? :) Anyway, over the past week I've met those aged 50-98 (!!) assisting in relearning memory, word finding, safe eating/swallowing techniques, teaching them their wife/husband/son/daughter's names and have had many true smiles as well as well earned belly laughs. Once again, how blessed am I to meet so many people with such amazing life stories that I am helping to glue back together?!
I always am so touched by everyone I've treated, however, there is one lady that has truly pulled at my heartstrings over the past week. She is a woman who met me with a guard up as tall as the Great Wall of China with no chisel for me to start working with. This woman in particular was one that was not interested in interacting or accepting help from others. After our first meeting, I felt a void and a sense of emptiness that I wasn't able to explain. It bogged me down the entire ride home from work constantly picking at my brain as I did not know what I could've done differently. It was not until I finally put myself inside her shoes, or as much as I could - as a family member of one being treated - that I grasped that sense of vulnerability and insecurity. It is hard to explain but I do remember that as my dad was being treated there were specific providers that treated him as a person...not a medical record. As my own experience, I know how it feels to be pushed and shoveled as if I were in a pig pen rather than Jenna being treated for Myofibroblastic Sarcoma. Thus arises my "AH HA" moment.
The following day, I tried to break the barriers with this specific patient asking about her personal interests which she took as me being too personally invasive. Shot down yet again. Bummed yet eager to build this patient's trust, I marched back into her room, big smile in tow, and threw out all of the "therapy material" crap. "What's your favorite food, Ms. T?' She immediately replied with fried chicken. Playing dumb, I asked her how she made fried chicken, step by step. With a confused look, Ms. T excitedly shouted, "You don't know how to make fried chicken?" I immediately replied that I did not and had never attempted to do so. This patient laughed and proceeded to ask me how old I was and if I was married (side note-I am asked this on a daily basis and apparently I am over the hill and my eggs are fried at 26). I was honest with her and she quickly replied by stating that she was married by 22 and was able to make friend chicken. Ok, I get it, yet I was still trying anything to make therapy meaningful at this point (regardless at the personal stabs). She began to talk all about fried chicken and 45 minutes later we were still talking about fried chicken. By the time I had left, both Ms. T and I were laughing and smiling. Mission accomplished!
Over the next couple of days the joking and laughing with Ms. T had become minimal. It was not until yesterday that I, once again, threw out the predetermined therapy material and spoke with her on a personal level. It was at that time that Ms. T began to well up with tears and slowly bring her hands out from her pockets. I looked down, in silence, and saw swollen and stationary fingers filled with arthritis. Her fun loving, joyful demeanor was stripped from her by the excruciating pain within her most useful extremities. She had told me that she felt hopeless and did not understand why. Ms. T explained that she had been fighting rheumatoid arthritis for awhile and had been extremely isolated while in rehab. As I always do, I probed for more....did she want company, a specific tv show, music? That was until she interrupted me with a simple prayer. As she recited it from memory her beautiful hazel eyes welled up with tears as mine did the same. Ms. T began to explain that she had missed having her bible around and that her hands had given her trouble turning the pages. I then asked her about the verse that she had just recited had meant to her. She looked at me with the greatest sympathy and told me, "a specific verse is meant and interpreted by each individual". For a couple of minutes I reflected on what she had said and agreed with her observation. I then shared a verse that has meant a lot to me (Psalm 119:105) in which she told me to hold that meaning within my heart.
I rode home that day and reflected on what I had witnessed and been a part of during that therapy session. It made me realize that the most effective and motivating tool for Ms. T was the bible. As soon as I got home for the night, I packed my personal bible in my purse (since Ms. T didn't have her own at the rehab center) and reflected on what we had discussed earlier that day.
Today, I excitedly popped in to see if she was ready for therapy. I had missed her 5 times that day to finally catch her at around 3pm. I woke her from her sleep, with my excited yet eager smile, telling her that I have something fun to work on. I pulled out my bible and saw her eyes began to immediately glow with happiness and solitude. I told her that for therapy we would work on finding specific verses that would help her through the day. Those that I had pre picked focused on courage and love. At one point Ms. T began to become tearful with self doubt and told me that "these hurting hands are unable to turn the pages" and that she was in too much pain to do anymore. Seeing the passion and excitement I saw within the past 20 minutes, I looked at her firmly and displayed my left palm that is red and peeling from radiation. She immediately asked what had happened in which I replied, "I have cancer. The peeling and redness is from 6 weeks of radiation and I will probably be limited in movement after my surgery next week." Ms. T, wide-eyed, asked me if I was in pain and how I was able to be so happy and with a big smile. I immediately told her that "I refuse to let small setbacks control my life. Like we had just discussed with the passages that were read, God gave me cancer to show my strength and to make me a better person overall." Ms. T immediately squeezed my hand (the one with cancer) and told me that God had placed me in her life for a wonderful reason.
I am not going to tell you that I did not shed a couple tears when I got home because I proudly shed my fare share tonight. I am proud to have an innate ability to connect with those I work with although it might've caused grief within my life. Today was officially one of the most blessed days of my career in the sense that I was able to reach someone within a personal level rather a strictly professional level. What a wonderful experience I given to help me ultimately pay it forward. It's the little requests in life that can mean the world to others :)
I began my new position in rehab over a week ago working with adults. Of course in my same old dork-like fashion, I arrived with all my binders marked, pencils sharpened, and smile in tact waiting on my first patients to encounter. Well, the first two days were filled with computer training (the stuff I did not want to do for a 9-5 job) with the occasional "slipping away" to observe fellow SLP's doing therapy. As soon as I walked into Golden Living I knew that I was placed there for a reason and that God was showing me yet another path to follow. I eagerly requested a patient, as the computer was not my kind of satisfaction, and was given an 80 + male with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. No problem, I'll do my best as he'll do his. Needless to say, over the past week, he has told me that we were being watched by the mob, his wife's name was "fantastic", that I was grown physically-not mentally, and today he thought that I needed to be home with a baby and waiting for my husband. Did I mention that I love my job? :) Anyway, over the past week I've met those aged 50-98 (!!) assisting in relearning memory, word finding, safe eating/swallowing techniques, teaching them their wife/husband/son/daughter's names and have had many true smiles as well as well earned belly laughs. Once again, how blessed am I to meet so many people with such amazing life stories that I am helping to glue back together?!
I always am so touched by everyone I've treated, however, there is one lady that has truly pulled at my heartstrings over the past week. She is a woman who met me with a guard up as tall as the Great Wall of China with no chisel for me to start working with. This woman in particular was one that was not interested in interacting or accepting help from others. After our first meeting, I felt a void and a sense of emptiness that I wasn't able to explain. It bogged me down the entire ride home from work constantly picking at my brain as I did not know what I could've done differently. It was not until I finally put myself inside her shoes, or as much as I could - as a family member of one being treated - that I grasped that sense of vulnerability and insecurity. It is hard to explain but I do remember that as my dad was being treated there were specific providers that treated him as a person...not a medical record. As my own experience, I know how it feels to be pushed and shoveled as if I were in a pig pen rather than Jenna being treated for Myofibroblastic Sarcoma. Thus arises my "AH HA" moment.
The following day, I tried to break the barriers with this specific patient asking about her personal interests which she took as me being too personally invasive. Shot down yet again. Bummed yet eager to build this patient's trust, I marched back into her room, big smile in tow, and threw out all of the "therapy material" crap. "What's your favorite food, Ms. T?' She immediately replied with fried chicken. Playing dumb, I asked her how she made fried chicken, step by step. With a confused look, Ms. T excitedly shouted, "You don't know how to make fried chicken?" I immediately replied that I did not and had never attempted to do so. This patient laughed and proceeded to ask me how old I was and if I was married (side note-I am asked this on a daily basis and apparently I am over the hill and my eggs are fried at 26). I was honest with her and she quickly replied by stating that she was married by 22 and was able to make friend chicken. Ok, I get it, yet I was still trying anything to make therapy meaningful at this point (regardless at the personal stabs). She began to talk all about fried chicken and 45 minutes later we were still talking about fried chicken. By the time I had left, both Ms. T and I were laughing and smiling. Mission accomplished!
Over the next couple of days the joking and laughing with Ms. T had become minimal. It was not until yesterday that I, once again, threw out the predetermined therapy material and spoke with her on a personal level. It was at that time that Ms. T began to well up with tears and slowly bring her hands out from her pockets. I looked down, in silence, and saw swollen and stationary fingers filled with arthritis. Her fun loving, joyful demeanor was stripped from her by the excruciating pain within her most useful extremities. She had told me that she felt hopeless and did not understand why. Ms. T explained that she had been fighting rheumatoid arthritis for awhile and had been extremely isolated while in rehab. As I always do, I probed for more....did she want company, a specific tv show, music? That was until she interrupted me with a simple prayer. As she recited it from memory her beautiful hazel eyes welled up with tears as mine did the same. Ms. T began to explain that she had missed having her bible around and that her hands had given her trouble turning the pages. I then asked her about the verse that she had just recited had meant to her. She looked at me with the greatest sympathy and told me, "a specific verse is meant and interpreted by each individual". For a couple of minutes I reflected on what she had said and agreed with her observation. I then shared a verse that has meant a lot to me (Psalm 119:105) in which she told me to hold that meaning within my heart.
I rode home that day and reflected on what I had witnessed and been a part of during that therapy session. It made me realize that the most effective and motivating tool for Ms. T was the bible. As soon as I got home for the night, I packed my personal bible in my purse (since Ms. T didn't have her own at the rehab center) and reflected on what we had discussed earlier that day.
Today, I excitedly popped in to see if she was ready for therapy. I had missed her 5 times that day to finally catch her at around 3pm. I woke her from her sleep, with my excited yet eager smile, telling her that I have something fun to work on. I pulled out my bible and saw her eyes began to immediately glow with happiness and solitude. I told her that for therapy we would work on finding specific verses that would help her through the day. Those that I had pre picked focused on courage and love. At one point Ms. T began to become tearful with self doubt and told me that "these hurting hands are unable to turn the pages" and that she was in too much pain to do anymore. Seeing the passion and excitement I saw within the past 20 minutes, I looked at her firmly and displayed my left palm that is red and peeling from radiation. She immediately asked what had happened in which I replied, "I have cancer. The peeling and redness is from 6 weeks of radiation and I will probably be limited in movement after my surgery next week." Ms. T, wide-eyed, asked me if I was in pain and how I was able to be so happy and with a big smile. I immediately told her that "I refuse to let small setbacks control my life. Like we had just discussed with the passages that were read, God gave me cancer to show my strength and to make me a better person overall." Ms. T immediately squeezed my hand (the one with cancer) and told me that God had placed me in her life for a wonderful reason.
I am not going to tell you that I did not shed a couple tears when I got home because I proudly shed my fare share tonight. I am proud to have an innate ability to connect with those I work with although it might've caused grief within my life. Today was officially one of the most blessed days of my career in the sense that I was able to reach someone within a personal level rather a strictly professional level. What a wonderful experience I given to help me ultimately pay it forward. It's the little requests in life that can mean the world to others :)
October 26, 2011
Change
Oh goodness... if you presented me with change 6 years ago or even 6 months ago I would've freaked out. Reason being? I was completely and utterly insecure to welcome new prospects in my life without my pre-approval. Meaning, I was scared to let my vulnerability, insecurities, and lack of strength be perceived through others. Fast forward to today and I can say that change is a completely beautiful, natural, healthy part of life. For example, caterpillars change into butterflies, crushes grow into long term loves, and an egg can turn into a chick :) Ok, enough of the funny business but in retrospect we need to begin to stop and think about the little things in life.
Change, in its entirety, became a big focus for me when I turned in my resignation two weeks ago. It took on a new attitude and observation that I have regrettably neglected thus far. I now believe that change effects each individual differently. For example, one of my colleagues became aware of my new position, those that had felt optimistic and friendly immediately turned rude and vindictive. I, of course, immediately took this as a personal attack but then I began to reflect on how I personally would react to the situation. The old Jenna would've reacted in a negative attitude - irritated, self absorbed, and one sided. The new Jenna, on the other hand, would be sad to see that a friend was leaving, ask why they were leaving, and encourage them all the best. Why the change? Through all of my own personal experiences, I have been taught that the more a person tries to take control or be in control of a situation, the more the negativity is portrayed and the lack of trust in the Lord. It was very evident in myself months ago and happily wished those thoughts good-bye!! Although I am constantly trying to help others, I have learned that I can not help those that have not helped themselves. Change is inevitable and the way we approach new situations determines our attitude, happiness (or lack there of), and enthusiasm on the outcome. I have now preached, and shown through actions, that I welcome change with open arms. Change is a way that God is testing ourselves and how we can improve as individuals. Personally, if those approached with change react with negative attitudes then they have chosen to not let the Lord into their hearts to grow further as a follower. I must admit, I was one of those individuals for a long period of time but I am so gracious that I can see change as a strength and opportunity to grow as the person the Lord has envisioned.
On a final note, I have been flooded with love and happy tears as I've said my good-byes to my families at AVC this week. My personal goal to help others, no matter what, has been evident as I've been blessed with sincere words of wisdom and cards stating "see you later" rather than "good-bye". Simple actions such as those are the reason I became a SLP :) I am excited about my new endeavor at Aegis Therapies and feel so humble knowing that all of my AVC families have given nothing but blessings of happiness and promises to keep in touch. See, change is good! :)
Change, in its entirety, became a big focus for me when I turned in my resignation two weeks ago. It took on a new attitude and observation that I have regrettably neglected thus far. I now believe that change effects each individual differently. For example, one of my colleagues became aware of my new position, those that had felt optimistic and friendly immediately turned rude and vindictive. I, of course, immediately took this as a personal attack but then I began to reflect on how I personally would react to the situation. The old Jenna would've reacted in a negative attitude - irritated, self absorbed, and one sided. The new Jenna, on the other hand, would be sad to see that a friend was leaving, ask why they were leaving, and encourage them all the best. Why the change? Through all of my own personal experiences, I have been taught that the more a person tries to take control or be in control of a situation, the more the negativity is portrayed and the lack of trust in the Lord. It was very evident in myself months ago and happily wished those thoughts good-bye!! Although I am constantly trying to help others, I have learned that I can not help those that have not helped themselves. Change is inevitable and the way we approach new situations determines our attitude, happiness (or lack there of), and enthusiasm on the outcome. I have now preached, and shown through actions, that I welcome change with open arms. Change is a way that God is testing ourselves and how we can improve as individuals. Personally, if those approached with change react with negative attitudes then they have chosen to not let the Lord into their hearts to grow further as a follower. I must admit, I was one of those individuals for a long period of time but I am so gracious that I can see change as a strength and opportunity to grow as the person the Lord has envisioned.
On a final note, I have been flooded with love and happy tears as I've said my good-byes to my families at AVC this week. My personal goal to help others, no matter what, has been evident as I've been blessed with sincere words of wisdom and cards stating "see you later" rather than "good-bye". Simple actions such as those are the reason I became a SLP :) I am excited about my new endeavor at Aegis Therapies and feel so humble knowing that all of my AVC families have given nothing but blessings of happiness and promises to keep in touch. See, change is good! :)
October 25, 2011
Apologies and Updates
So, I apologize for deleting the last post that pertained to my dad. Unfortunately, the more I read it, the more it made me upset and did not want the same effect on my family. I tried to be strong, yet reserved, for about 8 hours but I ultimately pulled the plug. It'll re-appear again in the future but I still think there needs to be more healing time for myself and my family.
What's been going on lately? Well, this past weekend I drove to Macon to attend a "Truth be Told" party, which focuses on painting and including your favorite biblical verses, and saw some of my favorite people - Candace, Deirdre, and Holly. Isn't it just amazing how people become a part of your life? It still makes me smile just knowing that I am surrounded by some amazing people!
First, I'd like to talk about the "Truth be Told" ministries. What a fantastic, amazing vision Elizabeth Hilliard has for the Lord! Long story short, she had a personal experience which made her realize that both she and the Lord have visions for her life. She prayed, let Him come into her heart, and finally saw that she needed to teach others the beauty of art while helping others become one with Scripture. Let's just say I spent a lot of time finding a bible verse that fit with myself, my personality, and the path I have been shown for my life...Path (keyword). Ah ha! After a lot of praying, concentrating, and letting Him take the reigns, I found this, "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." - Psalm 119:105. This verse struck me like I had just experienced a divine intervention - especially since I've been on a personal journey the past couple of months. Anyway, we began to paint and I, of course, began to doubt myself because I can barely draw a stick figure. Elizabeth immediately became our cheerleader to push and carry on which ultimately showed the creative beings that we were created for. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of the art party and want to thank Mrs. Hilliard for instilling artistic confidence in myself as well as sharing the love the Lord established in her heart.
Now back to those good ol' friends I saw this weekend...where to start?
Candace Haney
It was honestly a crazy way that the two of us met. I was in the middle of my internship at Emory Healthcare in the spring of 2010 and began looking for job openings. I had done a semester with auditory-verbal (AV) therapy while in graduate school and promised myself that the only way I'd work with pediatrics was only doing AV. I honestly loved the entire structure (and still do!!) of AV therapy, so after staring at the Auditory-Verbal Website for over a year (I started hoping the spring of 2009 that I'd be able to do AV full time) I decided to take a look at the employees. Ah HA! Little Ms. Haney is an Auburn alum...cha-ching! It's an Auburn thing, but we have a special relationship and decided to ultimately e-mail Candace immediately. Through e-mails and interviews, Candace and I immediately clicked. Not a "oh we can handle time together" kind of clicked but a "OMG we are too much a like that it's scary" kinda click. And I love it :) She has honestly been one (among the other few-don't worry!) that has been genuine, loving, optimistic, honest, selfless, Godly, genuine (yes, I said it twice), friendly, inspiring, and fantastic woman, mother, daughter, niece, coworker, sister, and friend I'd only hope to become. I am so entirely grateful for her lending ear, patience, laughter, and mentoring she has provided while working at AVC and look forward to a life long friendship that I know will only become greater with time! She is my Thing 1 and I am her Thing 2....if you don't believe me, please contact Anthony Haney! :)
Deirdre Maybank
Deirdre and I were the "newbie's" of AVC. Deirdre is one of the individuals that makes you feel refreshed and you always leave having a smile on your face when you're with her. We were not able to become close in Atlanta (as she worked at AVC-Macon) but I always felt at ease and myself while in her presence. Deirdre, no doubt, shares the love of making others smile as well as being confident in her true friendships. She and I have had some great conversations that ultimately made me feel at ease with myself at the end of every phone call. I remember when I first introduced my mom to her, while my mom was visiting me at work, and she said what a beautiful woman Deirdre was. Deirdre is that inside and out...what a fantastic friend to have! Deirdre and I share a very special bond of Joel Osteen consisting of us sharing messages almost every Sunday. I'm sure that if you asked us both to say the ending prayer of every Joel Osteen program we'd repeat it right away. Deirdre is moving along with her career, as I am, and has not only made a very special imprint in the lives of the families and children that she's served but will continue to profess a genuine, loving, and humorous attitude with her future endeavors.
Holly Stalvey (Taylor)
Why is the "Taylor" in commas? Because Holly is one of my oldest friends and I still think of her as my 18 year old Delta Zeta little sister :) Talk about wholesome...HST is as wholesome, loyal, loving, and as genuine as you get. We have a friendship in which we can go days without communicating but as soon as we get in contact we are right where we left off. Holly and I go WAAAYYY back...laughter, tears, bars, engagements (hers), funerals, graduations, birthdays, break ups, and other events. To be completely honest, Holly was my truest and best friend that I made while at Auburn. I care about her more than anyone can understand and feel privileged to be a part of her wedding and blessed that she would do anything to stop and drink wine with me (she hates Paranormal Activity-FYI!). Since the day I met Holly, I've always felt a sense of maturity, strength, and intellect that I've always admired. She is a phenomenal wife, friend, and overall woman. I love her to pieces...oh, she's incredibly smart too!!
Needless to say, I had a great weekend. I caught up with old friends and met new ones. I'll be completely honest, this weekend made me feel like my old self. That goober, crazy, charismatic, fun loving woman that has been lost for quite a while. It honestly brings tears to my eyes knowing that I've let negative attitudes, oncologist appointments, and reticent behavior let my true "Jenna" self be sucked away ever so slowly. However, my eyes and heart have been opened and I have realized that deep down the old Jenna still has it going on :)
However, this is the sweet angel that I missed and she missed me too :)
What's been going on lately? Well, this past weekend I drove to Macon to attend a "Truth be Told" party, which focuses on painting and including your favorite biblical verses, and saw some of my favorite people - Candace, Deirdre, and Holly. Isn't it just amazing how people become a part of your life? It still makes me smile just knowing that I am surrounded by some amazing people!
First, I'd like to talk about the "Truth be Told" ministries. What a fantastic, amazing vision Elizabeth Hilliard has for the Lord! Long story short, she had a personal experience which made her realize that both she and the Lord have visions for her life. She prayed, let Him come into her heart, and finally saw that she needed to teach others the beauty of art while helping others become one with Scripture. Let's just say I spent a lot of time finding a bible verse that fit with myself, my personality, and the path I have been shown for my life...Path (keyword). Ah ha! After a lot of praying, concentrating, and letting Him take the reigns, I found this, "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." - Psalm 119:105. This verse struck me like I had just experienced a divine intervention - especially since I've been on a personal journey the past couple of months. Anyway, we began to paint and I, of course, began to doubt myself because I can barely draw a stick figure. Elizabeth immediately became our cheerleader to push and carry on which ultimately showed the creative beings that we were created for. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of the art party and want to thank Mrs. Hilliard for instilling artistic confidence in myself as well as sharing the love the Lord established in her heart.
 |
| My Painting! |
Now back to those good ol' friends I saw this weekend...where to start?
Candace Haney
It was honestly a crazy way that the two of us met. I was in the middle of my internship at Emory Healthcare in the spring of 2010 and began looking for job openings. I had done a semester with auditory-verbal (AV) therapy while in graduate school and promised myself that the only way I'd work with pediatrics was only doing AV. I honestly loved the entire structure (and still do!!) of AV therapy, so after staring at the Auditory-Verbal Website for over a year (I started hoping the spring of 2009 that I'd be able to do AV full time) I decided to take a look at the employees. Ah HA! Little Ms. Haney is an Auburn alum...cha-ching! It's an Auburn thing, but we have a special relationship and decided to ultimately e-mail Candace immediately. Through e-mails and interviews, Candace and I immediately clicked. Not a "oh we can handle time together" kind of clicked but a "OMG we are too much a like that it's scary" kinda click. And I love it :) She has honestly been one (among the other few-don't worry!) that has been genuine, loving, optimistic, honest, selfless, Godly, genuine (yes, I said it twice), friendly, inspiring, and fantastic woman, mother, daughter, niece, coworker, sister, and friend I'd only hope to become. I am so entirely grateful for her lending ear, patience, laughter, and mentoring she has provided while working at AVC and look forward to a life long friendship that I know will only become greater with time! She is my Thing 1 and I am her Thing 2....if you don't believe me, please contact Anthony Haney! :)
Deirdre Maybank
Deirdre and I were the "newbie's" of AVC. Deirdre is one of the individuals that makes you feel refreshed and you always leave having a smile on your face when you're with her. We were not able to become close in Atlanta (as she worked at AVC-Macon) but I always felt at ease and myself while in her presence. Deirdre, no doubt, shares the love of making others smile as well as being confident in her true friendships. She and I have had some great conversations that ultimately made me feel at ease with myself at the end of every phone call. I remember when I first introduced my mom to her, while my mom was visiting me at work, and she said what a beautiful woman Deirdre was. Deirdre is that inside and out...what a fantastic friend to have! Deirdre and I share a very special bond of Joel Osteen consisting of us sharing messages almost every Sunday. I'm sure that if you asked us both to say the ending prayer of every Joel Osteen program we'd repeat it right away. Deirdre is moving along with her career, as I am, and has not only made a very special imprint in the lives of the families and children that she's served but will continue to profess a genuine, loving, and humorous attitude with her future endeavors.
 |
| AVC sleepover! |
Why is the "Taylor" in commas? Because Holly is one of my oldest friends and I still think of her as my 18 year old Delta Zeta little sister :) Talk about wholesome...HST is as wholesome, loyal, loving, and as genuine as you get. We have a friendship in which we can go days without communicating but as soon as we get in contact we are right where we left off. Holly and I go WAAAYYY back...laughter, tears, bars, engagements (hers), funerals, graduations, birthdays, break ups, and other events. To be completely honest, Holly was my truest and best friend that I made while at Auburn. I care about her more than anyone can understand and feel privileged to be a part of her wedding and blessed that she would do anything to stop and drink wine with me (she hates Paranormal Activity-FYI!). Since the day I met Holly, I've always felt a sense of maturity, strength, and intellect that I've always admired. She is a phenomenal wife, friend, and overall woman. I love her to pieces...oh, she's incredibly smart too!!
Needless to say, I had a great weekend. I caught up with old friends and met new ones. I'll be completely honest, this weekend made me feel like my old self. That goober, crazy, charismatic, fun loving woman that has been lost for quite a while. It honestly brings tears to my eyes knowing that I've let negative attitudes, oncologist appointments, and reticent behavior let my true "Jenna" self be sucked away ever so slowly. However, my eyes and heart have been opened and I have realized that deep down the old Jenna still has it going on :)
However, this is the sweet angel that I missed and she missed me too :)
October 17, 2011
Small Perspectives
**Shocker Alert** I've been challenged by God on how I should handle situations not only large but also those very minuscule. I am glad that I have that "laughing mentality", because although these small hurdles would've made me blubber and freak out like a 14 year old teenager a year ago, simply I now give myself at least 30 minutes to laugh, cry, and get over it. Seriously...there are bigger problems in the world, people, so stop complaining that you aren't getting everything on your Christmas list. Be glad you'll have a warm home and loving family to go to regardless if there's a gift under the tree. Anyway, I am a lover of Joel Osteen. He is the TV inspirational speaker (he isn't an ordained minister but still love him) that puts the Scripture into perspective. The other day I was reading some of his articles in which I stumbled across one that really describes my current state on life:
“The Scripture says people will know true Christians by their fruit (see Matthew 7:15–23). They’re not going to know us by how many scriptures we quote. They’re not going to know us by how many Christian bumper stickers we have on our car. People are going to really know that we’re believers when we’re helping other people, meeting needs, doing good works, when we are blessing people with our words and our actions.”
This means that no matter how much you display yourself or brag as a "good person" that ultimately actions speak louder than words. I have been trying to do this in not only my everyday life but also my professional life because I hate seeing others put colleagues down due to their inability to show a "Masters degree" or have "lack of experience". Truth be told, we are all put on this earth for a reason. I appreciate the garbage men/women because there's no way I personally could do their job and same goes for a firefighter. This does not mean I have a lack of respect for them but acknowledge that I am not the fit for their position and I'm grateful for those that are. I've been degraded before because of my personal ability to accommodate people (friends, family, clients, etc.) but I do so because I want to show them that I am not only a professional, daughter, friend, or niece but also a human being. It's something that I think everyone should take a step back and re-evaluate in their own personal life. No one is better than anyone else, you can't change people, we all have a purpose on this earth, and it's our duty to live the life we have to the fullest. Therefore, here's the challenge, although it's an easy concept to recognize but often a hard one to adhere to, step out of your comfort zone and push yourself to respect others as you'd like to be treated. Yes, we've all heard it but have you formally made your actions speak louder than words? Are you honestly treating those around you as you'd like to be treated?
On a fun-final-day-of-radiation-celebration note, I had a great time at dinner tonight with one of my oldest friends, Ali. It's that type of friendship in which you can go a length of time without talking but as soon as you're together it's as if you've gone 1 day without communication. Hooray for good, wholesome friends...and just for Ali, HERE'S TO YOU MAGOO :) I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful weather and fun football season!
 |
| Oh, Hi 18 year old Ali and Jenna! |
October 14, 2011
Changes
I've recently been taking some personal time to re-evaluate all aspects of my life: my health, my happiness, my attitude, and my career. When I say "career" I am not second guessing my decision to become a speech-language pathologist (my parents would kill me and probably make me start paying back all the tuition!) yet rather if the placement is optimal at this time in my life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE working at AVC but like all situations in life it has its pros and cons. My heart melts every time I see one of my babies being cradled by his/her mom or dad, a toddler taking 10 minutes to walk to my therapy room because they fall every couple of steps as they're learning how to walk, and even with my preschoolers who think that lions, tigers, and bears (oh my! - cheesy joke) are the funniest thing on the planet. I've had the pleasure to become a part of each of these families as well as them making an enormous impact in my life. From the very beginning of hearing that his/her young baby is not able to hear, to receiving hearing aids or cochlear implants, to having the child learn his/her mother's voice, saying his/her's first word, and learning to speak just like everyone else his/her age, I've been through it all. I would never ever give back what I've been taught at AVC, having met my precious families, or sharing tears of joy when their child has better language abilities then most kids their age.
Now for the ultimate news...I've thought long and hard about how my current position fits within my life as well as all of the changes that are occurring and have decided to switch gears and go back into adult stroke/traumatic brain injury rehab. Yes, I've accepted a position with a company called Aegis Therapies in which I will be working on dysphagia (swallowing disorders), cognition, speech-language, and dysarthria (motor speech disorders) starting October 31. The facility is called Golden Living Centers - Northside located near Northside and St. Joseph's Hospitals. It is a 240 bed facility that have adults aged 18+ for both long and short care rehabilitation. Although this has been an extremely tough decision for me, I am also very excited for the new chapter in my life. When coming to terms with turning in my letter of resignation to AVC, I had to keep reminding myself that the reason I became a SLP was to help people no matter the age, gender, race, etc. Therefore, I want to thank all of my families at AVC, my own personal family, and fantastic friends for all of the love and support!
Now for the ultimate news...I've thought long and hard about how my current position fits within my life as well as all of the changes that are occurring and have decided to switch gears and go back into adult stroke/traumatic brain injury rehab. Yes, I've accepted a position with a company called Aegis Therapies in which I will be working on dysphagia (swallowing disorders), cognition, speech-language, and dysarthria (motor speech disorders) starting October 31. The facility is called Golden Living Centers - Northside located near Northside and St. Joseph's Hospitals. It is a 240 bed facility that have adults aged 18+ for both long and short care rehabilitation. Although this has been an extremely tough decision for me, I am also very excited for the new chapter in my life. When coming to terms with turning in my letter of resignation to AVC, I had to keep reminding myself that the reason I became a SLP was to help people no matter the age, gender, race, etc. Therefore, I want to thank all of my families at AVC, my own personal family, and fantastic friends for all of the love and support!
 |
| Yes, I even bought an Auburn ID holder for the new position :) |
October 4, 2011
My Final Words
My dad was an exceptional man. He was hard working (went back to work 3 days after getting out of ICU in 2006), always put our family first, loved to genuinely talk with others (deli managers at Publix to the men at Discount Tire Company), and ultimately portrayed what a man is as well as the qualities I've not only instilled in myself but also into my future. I can honestly say that I still can not go on to discuss his final day on this earth as I am emotionally mourning his absence but do want to share something I wrote in his honor. Originally it was written as a surprise since he and my mom were flown to Chicago in February so that his company could celebrate his early retirement. I then formatted it to lead into his final hours since it was only a 4 month difference. Just as a side note, my sister and I did not initially feel the urge to talk at his "Celebration of Life" ceremony (we would rather celebrate life rather than mourn death in my family) but I wanted to brag about him as he so passionately did about his own family. Although it's short, it's sweet and to the point...just as he would've wanted it. I will one day gain the courage to tell his day on June 22nd but until then, enjoy!
*Dad, where to even begin. First, I’d like to thank you for everything. You’ve taught me so many valuable lessons about life that has shaped me into who I am today. It’s almost impossible to write down everything that describes what kind of man you were. Therefore, I’ll talk about the specific traits that describe you. Wise: I can always remember you asking me if something was “a need or a want” and rephrasing myself to say “I’d like that rather than I want that”. Those phrases consistently run through my head because you instilled very early on to be perceptive and knowledgeable when making decisions. Perseverance: You taught me that no matter what kind of hardships are put in your path that you should continue to march on. You proved this to me not only throughout my entire life but specifically I can still remember you telling me that while you were in the hospital 5 years ago that you had to be home for me 21st birthday. Every single individual on the medical team at Emory was skeptical with your remark but you proved them wrong. Not only were you home (well, a couple of days past my birthday) but you were also determined to carry on with your life. This strength was the ultimate backbone for getting me through my Masters (that and Auburn football-War Eagle) and other daily hardships that I might encounter. The last word to ultimately describe you is Selfless. I repeatedly think back to your final hours here on this earth and how you took the time to thank every single doctor, nurse, tech, and janitor that helped you with your fight. You diligently shook everyone’s hand and sincerely thanked them for their time. This was an important lesson for me. I hope to carry out every single interaction, from now on, with your grace and generosity. I promise to make it my mission in life to thank and show my gratitude to loved ones, friends, and even strangers just as you did this past Wednesday. And in conclusion, I thank you Dad. You were not only a wonderful father but also a great friend, mentor, colleague, husband, brother, and son. I can’t say thank you, gracias, merci, etc. enough. I can only hope that I can be as influential and driven as you. As my dad said on Wednesday to my mom, sister, and I, “You are now the Three Stooges: Moe, Larry, and Curly”.*
 |
| Some of my dad's past memories displayed at his Celebration of Life |
October 1, 2011
5K's...UGH
Oh goodnesssss. 5K's make me sick. My first (and only time) completing a race was the 10K Peachtree Road Race in 1998. Notice the word "complete"...Haha! All of my life I've been extremely active in dance (ballet, tap, jazz, hip hop, toe, and modern) and got into the cheerleading scene in conjunction with dance in high school. I'll be honest because I've never EVER been able to run more than 500 ft without getting a cramp or feeling like I was about to throw up so I blamed it on having a small "wind pipe". Being a speech pathologist that's a term for a small larynx, which I now know that I don't have, but that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! Anyway, back to the Peachtree Road Race which is humorous, quite sad, and pathetic for myself all at the same time. A 5K is equivalent to 3.1 miles which is nothing when you spend an hour on the elliptical at the gym (which I can do). However, that hour during the Peachtree significantly multiplied...multiplied to 3 hours and 30 minutes....you can start laughing now. My excuses were of course my small wind pipe, too many people, doughnuts being passed out on the side of the road (I HATE DOUGHNUTS by the way), oh the naked lady standing in the Ritz-Carlton Hotel window causing a slow down, anddddd ok I'm just not an athlete but I tried and got the t-shirt to prove it. This all leads into my new goal in which I am participating in, the "Winship Win the Fight 5K" on October 15th. As you all know I've been diagnosed with Fibroblastic Sarcoma. I am only 1 in 3 in the entire world to have this type in my hand and correlation between us three amigos is Irish heritage. Guess I'll be making my claim to fame in a textbook which is appropriate since I am a complete nerd :). I've had an initial surgery (finding the cancer), was sent to MD Anderson (BAD CHOICE), and ultimately began treatment at Emory's Winship Center. I've currently completed 17 radiation treatments, which consists of going at 7 am Monday through Friday, and have only 10 more to go! I'm an honest person (eh...good and bad) and it has not been fun what-so-ever but I feel so blessed to have met such heart felt patients, doctors, and survivors thus far! I have to have (hopefully) a final surgery on November 18th with CT scans every 3 months to 6 months to a year for the next 5 years. Reflecting and knowing that this Center has treated me incredibly well and I have seen the wonders, both physically and mentally, that have been performed I've decided to take part in this year's Winship Win for the Fight 5k/Walk (for me walk...I still can't run-wait, I never could :)!) which takes place October 15th. I am only asking for whatever you can do to help...a prayer, well wish, small donation, cheerleader, Olympic athlete (see you in 3 hours!), or a companion for the 5K. It is by no means a monetary contribution for myself rather for all of those that I've encountered to find a cure for this overwhelming and C word curse known as cancer. I've created a page to organize this event but want to thank you in advance for anything and everything you are able to set forth for this cause!
**This day is also monumental for me as it is the day after I finish my last round of radiation. I won't take off all of my sharpie markings, that I've donned for over 6 weeks, until I get to the finish line! :)
DONATE :)
If you are having difficulty donating then please follow step by step below:
Instructions on how to register for the walk:
Go to the above link
Click on "agree"
Click "register as an individuals" and again on the next page
Fill Out application
At the bottom put "In Honor of" Jenna Mersfelder and my information (411 Brookhaven Way NE Atlanta, GA 30319)
In "Cancer Fund Designation" put Sarcoma Program Fund
Click "Cancer Patient"
And Submit :) That's All!
 |
| Radiation burn. Now I know what those who are 70 living on the beach feel like, Ouch. |
September 19, 2011
Imperfections
What's an Imperfection? It's something that we subconsciously feel uncertain about. Something we become insecure about regardless if it is seen by the stranger's eye. We all have them yet we are able to rejoice or become a prisoner to the imperfection. You decide.
It's been a while but wanted to talk about something that I have definitely been searching for and feel like I have finally found it: myself, my morals, my views, and my self worth. Up until June 2011 I can most certainly profess that I did not know who I was, spiritually or emotionally, was not comfortable in my own skin, and tried to follow other's because I did know me...Jenna. It has taken 25 years and over the past 5 years, specifically the last 3 months, to have found my inner voice. Yes, I will be vulnerable and admit that my insecurities were often covered up by my hard working attitude and easy going personality; however, I would often find myself upset, empty, and having a never-ending void because I did not know who I was. I knew that I wanted to be a speech-language pathologist and that, no matter what, I wanted to make a difference in every individual's life I encountered but was unsure how to fill that inner black hole. That was until I was faced with my inner fears and sense of losing control of my personal environment. Until June, I felt comfort in knowing that I could control my environment and situations now knowing that I was fearful of finding my true self.
I know that I keep referring back to my ordeals that I've encountered (death and cancer) but these journeys have made me realize that it is ok to lose control. I am not the one in charge of my path towards the future...our Heavenly Father is leading the way. I have realized that I cannot change what has occurred to my family, by taking my dad away from us at such a young age, but can use this as a true testament to show my strength. I was blessed to witness my dad slipping into the Lord's hands and can share how death should not be a scary situation rather an inevitable blessing. My dad did not suffer nor leave this earth with resentment. I can look at his soul and calm demeanor to pay it forward to those who are scared...scared of rejection, love, loneliness, etc. I had complete peace in my heart and soul on June 22 as I continue to hold to this day. People within my life have often felt pity for my recent ordeals. I, on the other hand, look at this as my opportunity to empower those who come in contact with me.
All of my recent experiences have made me realize that life is a beautiful thing. It is extremely selfish to cry and complain that a tv show was missed, someone cut you off while driving, you weren’t able to spend $110 on shoes, or that you didn’t have a date on Valentine’s day. Life is so much more than that. In my experience saying hello to those sharpie marked individuals, like myself, in the radiation oncology unit daily at 7am, making babies and parents laugh yet share tears of joy, and simply sharing a smile filled with hope has made me sit back and take one second in at a time. I’ve now realized the “simple things in life” that I was too vulnerable and blind to witness…I now thank God for removing the shield from my visual delusions.
We often make ourselves believe that we have truly been taught those lessons as well as deceiving ourselves to “change”. I believe, and have always believed, that actions speak louder than words and did not see the true testament until this past Saturday. Feeling great after 12 hours of sleep (radiation really, really wears you down and I definitely needed the rest) I decided to go to the gym. I was thinking of my dad, as I do while alone and with a clear mind, when I undoubtedly turned to take the LONGEST route to LA Fitness. My first thought was, “Why the hell did I not take a left towards Redding?” I brushed it off and jammed away to Incubus with the cool fall breeze blowing through my sunroof. As I was yielding on Dresden to take a right onto Peachtree, I felt a quick impact from behind….yes, I had been rear ended. In my crazy monkey mode, I jumped out of my car, told homeboy to drive to the Waffle House parking lot (it wasn’t bad), and immediately drew solitude. Solitude in the fact that my dad had always been there to help with car troubles and that I was officially abandoned on my own. An immediate calm came over myself as I realized that I was able to take care of this and rationally taught to handle the current situation (though it did not hit me what my dad had instilled until later). That is also when I realized that I did not cry as I would’ve if my dad were here, waiting for a rescue, nor did I become angry for inconveniencing my routine. Rather I honestly laughed off the fender bender, knowing that it could’ve been a lot worse, made light of the situation with the guy who had hit me, because we all make mistakes, and became at peace knowing that a car/object can be replaced as a life could not. Insert self-recognition, love, cheerleader, and certificate of Jenna Elizabeth Mersfelder…HERE. This is when I realized my immediate knowledge of my life half full (half empty is sooo cliché) and that I have been taught to tune out small, indifferent road hazards. 6 months ago, at least, I would’ve been a crying mess, calling “daddy” for a heroic rescue, asking “why me??”, and would have been paranoid of the ugliness of the current state of my rear bumper. Today, the small imperfections do not bother me because I know that we, as human beings, all have imperfections to which make us stand out yet separate us all from the rest. I am not perfect, never will be, and will always welcome advancements in improving developments within my life. As Marilyn Monroe once said, “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” God Bless.
September 9, 2011
Why? Pourquoi? Por que? Warum?
Regardless of your native language, this is a question that most people would constantly ask God if they were going through my situation. I can say that I am also guilty of pleading those words but have quickly changed my linguistics based on current experiences. I feel that this is a prime opportunity to learn about myself, become a better individual, and a well rounded clinician. As my mom always says, "there's always someone out there worse than you."
My radiation treatments were pushed back 2 days as my radiation oncologist did not like the initial mould made for my hand during radiation and asked me to come in on Tuesday to make another mould and CT scan. Becoming quite irritated, because I am ready to get this over with, I made the trek to Emory University Hospital-Midtown for the appointment. Let me tell you, I should've brushed up on my yoga or at least stretched because I was told to maneuver my body into awkward positions and "hold it" for long periods of time to then be told that "it wasn't the optimal angle". Finally we found a position and a mould, with my arm extended over my head while lying on my back, and man my body ached the next day! Anyway, I made my "orientation" appointment yesterday to learn how to check in, what to expect, etc. Sitting in the waiting room waiting to be called I noticed that I was the only person under the age of 65....seriously. That all changed once a spunky young girl walked in with her mom. She was so adorable clothed in her private school uniform, no older than at least 6, sporting cat eyed glasses, and no hair. She was extremely observant turning to her mom asking, "Mommy, why does everyone in the room have hair but me?" My heart broke again into a million pieces. While I listened intently (kinda eavesdropping) to her mom's response I realized that it just was not fair for this small individual to have to face such an intense question. I flashed a smile at the two of them, my eyes filled with tears, and was called back for radiation.
I was greeted by 3 punctual and happy radiation therapist. They made every effort to make me feel comfortable and at ease while drawing all over my hand with sharpie. Ok, we can send people to the moon and perform face transplants but have to mark people going through treatment with sharpie? And told not to let it disappear until treatment is completed? Seriously, there are other avenues like henna but apparently sharpie is the best invention at the current time! Again I was told to lie down on the small hospital bed while 4 people plugged in my approximate coordinates. I felt like I was a science experiment with every small measure taking a million years. I was asked gratefully if I was comfortable almost every minute and finally told them that I am fine and I just wanted to "rock and roll". As soon as they got the go ahead from the doctor and locked the heavy door behind them, I immediately had a meeting with my dad. The employees essentially locked me in a bubble and I had a moment where I was able to tell my dad that I was scared but will fight on for him. Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I wished that I could call him or talk to him but knew that he was watching over me. Holding as still as possible and hearing the clicks of the radiation beam for literally 15 seconds, killing the enemy in my hand, it was over. I was told to come every day, Monday through Friday, at 7:15am. They also expressed the necessity to be on time as the babies from Children's Healthcare of Atlanta come at 7:30 for treatment and had to be put to sleep. Once again, another stab at my heart. I left to go back to work and stopped to treat myself to some much needed comfort food, Chick-Fil-A.
Fast forward to today. I woke up at 5:30 to venture to my second treatment of radiation. Half asleep I stopped at Starbucks (I went before and after treatment) to hopefully cure my half asleep stupor...bless Starbucks gift cards! Anyway, I found out that Emory will pay for valet parking, which is a plus, and that the guys working at the valet are cute (helloooooooo 5 weeks of seeing me everyday)! I stumble to the radiation oncology unit and wait for my name to be called. Once again, I am filled with the most loving and optimistic individuals waiting for their name to be called. I go back and was told to "resume position". I lay down put my arm up and wait for the beam to attack my cancer. 15 seconds afterwards, my radiation tech comes in to help me get down and get going. I curiously ask if all radiation treatments are as quick as mine. He chuckled innocently and said, "oh no, yours is a complete breeze compared to the others I have each day." I probed for more information in which I was told that he "had to do treatment on a baby's brain from 7:30-10". Stunned I shook my head and told him to have a great weekend. Walking out of the facility I saw a sweet, young soul, all of about 3 years of age, being cradled by his mother. I smiled optimistically towards both the mother and child sharing my love and heart for them to hold onto. I walked, in disbelief, to wait for my car trying to absorb what I was just told and what I had witnessed. As soon as I got into my car, I started to cry and asking myself "why". Why does a child have to succumb to something so detrimental? A child who should be worrying where his/her legos have gone, who will be "it" for hide-and-go-seek, and enjoy spending their early years singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" rather than why they are not well? I also mourned for the parents who are faced with the ill stricken thought of potentially losing their child to an illness that they have no control over. Why? I understand that I was given this cancer to make me a stronger person; however, I was given the chance to play with my neighbors until my mom yelled for me to come home for dinner, eat mud, and swim like a fish. I called my mom and told her of what I saw and to share my confusion. Once again, she told me "there's always someone off worse than you". On my way to work I spoke with my dad, through prayer, and also to God for the comfort of those families.
Although this has been a difficult year, I've learned so much about my family, my heavenly father, and ultimately myself. I am blessed for what I have been faced with and hope that I can use this to help those around me.
My radiation treatments were pushed back 2 days as my radiation oncologist did not like the initial mould made for my hand during radiation and asked me to come in on Tuesday to make another mould and CT scan. Becoming quite irritated, because I am ready to get this over with, I made the trek to Emory University Hospital-Midtown for the appointment. Let me tell you, I should've brushed up on my yoga or at least stretched because I was told to maneuver my body into awkward positions and "hold it" for long periods of time to then be told that "it wasn't the optimal angle". Finally we found a position and a mould, with my arm extended over my head while lying on my back, and man my body ached the next day! Anyway, I made my "orientation" appointment yesterday to learn how to check in, what to expect, etc. Sitting in the waiting room waiting to be called I noticed that I was the only person under the age of 65....seriously. That all changed once a spunky young girl walked in with her mom. She was so adorable clothed in her private school uniform, no older than at least 6, sporting cat eyed glasses, and no hair. She was extremely observant turning to her mom asking, "Mommy, why does everyone in the room have hair but me?" My heart broke again into a million pieces. While I listened intently (kinda eavesdropping) to her mom's response I realized that it just was not fair for this small individual to have to face such an intense question. I flashed a smile at the two of them, my eyes filled with tears, and was called back for radiation.
I was greeted by 3 punctual and happy radiation therapist. They made every effort to make me feel comfortable and at ease while drawing all over my hand with sharpie. Ok, we can send people to the moon and perform face transplants but have to mark people going through treatment with sharpie? And told not to let it disappear until treatment is completed? Seriously, there are other avenues like henna but apparently sharpie is the best invention at the current time! Again I was told to lie down on the small hospital bed while 4 people plugged in my approximate coordinates. I felt like I was a science experiment with every small measure taking a million years. I was asked gratefully if I was comfortable almost every minute and finally told them that I am fine and I just wanted to "rock and roll". As soon as they got the go ahead from the doctor and locked the heavy door behind them, I immediately had a meeting with my dad. The employees essentially locked me in a bubble and I had a moment where I was able to tell my dad that I was scared but will fight on for him. Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I wished that I could call him or talk to him but knew that he was watching over me. Holding as still as possible and hearing the clicks of the radiation beam for literally 15 seconds, killing the enemy in my hand, it was over. I was told to come every day, Monday through Friday, at 7:15am. They also expressed the necessity to be on time as the babies from Children's Healthcare of Atlanta come at 7:30 for treatment and had to be put to sleep. Once again, another stab at my heart. I left to go back to work and stopped to treat myself to some much needed comfort food, Chick-Fil-A.
Fast forward to today. I woke up at 5:30 to venture to my second treatment of radiation. Half asleep I stopped at Starbucks (I went before and after treatment) to hopefully cure my half asleep stupor...bless Starbucks gift cards! Anyway, I found out that Emory will pay for valet parking, which is a plus, and that the guys working at the valet are cute (helloooooooo 5 weeks of seeing me everyday)! I stumble to the radiation oncology unit and wait for my name to be called. Once again, I am filled with the most loving and optimistic individuals waiting for their name to be called. I go back and was told to "resume position". I lay down put my arm up and wait for the beam to attack my cancer. 15 seconds afterwards, my radiation tech comes in to help me get down and get going. I curiously ask if all radiation treatments are as quick as mine. He chuckled innocently and said, "oh no, yours is a complete breeze compared to the others I have each day." I probed for more information in which I was told that he "had to do treatment on a baby's brain from 7:30-10". Stunned I shook my head and told him to have a great weekend. Walking out of the facility I saw a sweet, young soul, all of about 3 years of age, being cradled by his mother. I smiled optimistically towards both the mother and child sharing my love and heart for them to hold onto. I walked, in disbelief, to wait for my car trying to absorb what I was just told and what I had witnessed. As soon as I got into my car, I started to cry and asking myself "why". Why does a child have to succumb to something so detrimental? A child who should be worrying where his/her legos have gone, who will be "it" for hide-and-go-seek, and enjoy spending their early years singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" rather than why they are not well? I also mourned for the parents who are faced with the ill stricken thought of potentially losing their child to an illness that they have no control over. Why? I understand that I was given this cancer to make me a stronger person; however, I was given the chance to play with my neighbors until my mom yelled for me to come home for dinner, eat mud, and swim like a fish. I called my mom and told her of what I saw and to share my confusion. Once again, she told me "there's always someone off worse than you". On my way to work I spoke with my dad, through prayer, and also to God for the comfort of those families.
Although this has been a difficult year, I've learned so much about my family, my heavenly father, and ultimately myself. I am blessed for what I have been faced with and hope that I can use this to help those around me.
 |
| Pretty hand art I have to sport for the next 5 weeks....Who wants to go on a date?! ;) |
 |
| My dad's thumb print was made into a pendant. I've never taken it off of my neck. |
September 7, 2011
September 3, 2011
Auburn
I believe in Auburn and LOVE it! Yes, I am a faithful Auburn alum having spent 5 1/2 wonderful years there getting my Bachelor and Master degrees; however, it's not the football that makes me love Auburn, it's the entire town, traditions, friendly faces, and the Auburn FAMILY. Yes, we are all family. It is extremely hard to explain but once you experience the love and respect that Auburn students, alums, and fans have for one another then you'll understand.
I remember when my mom, dad, and myself went to visit for a "college visit" during my senior year of high school. Of course everyone thinks of college as freedom from our parents, beer, and parties, but I admit I was a bit guarded as to where I'd fit in and be "me". I remember walking around with the group tour and being welcomed with friendly, approachable smiles from the students and faculty. I felt at ease and very much like I was at home during my visit and ultimately made the decision that I needed to attend Auburn.
Looking back those were some of the best, almost, 7 years of my entire life. I admit that I am a self proclaimed dork and did very well at Auburn but I also experienced being in a sorority, tailgating, football, frat parties, and pulling all nighters for finals. Like I mentioned earlier, when Auburn alums think of our beloved university, we immediately think of family, which is very unique when compared to other schools. As family, we root on our athletes, win or lose, are proud of the many alums that are making a difference - Apple CEO Tim Cook, Football Star Bo Jackson, "The Help" actress Octavia Spencer (to name a few), and value traditions - rolling Toomer's Corner, Tiger Walk, seeing the eagle fly and screaming WAR EAGLE, not walking over the seal near Toomer's Corner. All universities have all of those components but we have the simple phrase that we use to those proudly sporting the Auburn logo - War Eagle. Those two words mean so much to me, and every Auburn family member, because it always brings you back home with a sense of comfort. Hearing "War Eagle" occurs all the time for me - in grocery stores, at the gym, at work, at bars, or on the street - War Eagle is an important phrase in my vocabulary. Lastly, those who are close to me know not to mess with 3 things: my family, my friends, and my Auburn Tigers...seriously, don't even try it.
Overall, I can proudly say that I was not told to be an Auburn fan or became an Auburn fan because that's who everyone else roots for; rather, I followed my heart and chose Auburn because of the entire Auburn spirit and family. Through all of the Cam Newton jokes, being told that I was too stupid to not get into UGA (high school GPA was a 3.7 and college a 3.9), and being told I live in Georgia so I should be a UGA fan, I am grateful for my choice and will always believe in Auburn and Love it!
WAR DAMN EAGLE!
Met my Best Friend Holly
Aubie is my lover!
Fun Rivalries :)
Met my Best Friends Christin and Chrissy
*Love*
"Auburn is so much more than a city or a school or a team or a degree. It is something that, once you have experienced it, will live inside of you forever and become a part of what makes up who you are." WDE
September 1, 2011
The Dreaded "C" Word
As a lot of my friends know (I'm not even going to say family because that's a no brainer) I was diagnosed with a rare form of Fibroblastic Sarcoma otherwise known as a cancer of the soft tissue. It's definitely taken me through a roller coaster of emotions and I've definitely had my fair share of picking and proding over the past two months but before going any further let me start from the beginning.
It all started in April when I noticed a small nodule on my left palm near my thumb. Of course, I thought nothing of it until it started growing rather rapidly and began to ache when there was pressure applied to my hand. Reluctantly I scheduled an appointment with my internist, who brushed it off as a cyst and could be simply abscessed, sending me on my way. I called the general surgeon that she recommended but unfortunately he was unable to see me as the hand is a much complicated area and referred me to a hand and upper extremity surgeon. Appointment made, no problem, oh wait, it was 4 weeks away. Continuing to grow and cause more pressure I made a point to explain my urgency (for those that know me, I am very adamant- get it from my dad) and got in that day to see the doctor's nurse. I swiftly left work to go to my appointment, once again, thinking that all was A-ok. Well, I immediately sensed that there was a concern as soon as the nurse said, "Wow, cysts are very rare in this area and I've actually never seen one here." From there every nurse in the office proceeded to come in to see my hand as if it was a science project gone wrong. The doctor's nurse told me to get an MRI of my hand ASAP and come back to see the doctor for further review. FYI - open MRI's are not available when scanning the hand and I made it clear that confining me to a small space for an hour was impossible without knocking me out or giving me a couple cocktails....Xanax it was! (Side note - when I had my heart surgery and they were about to strap me to the table I told them that they would have to knock my fanny out before getting near me with those straps - yes, I am an old woman trapped in a 25 year old body). Loopy and extremely happy - from the drugs not the idea of getting inside a coffin - I got my MRI completed and met with doctor the following week. He indicated that the mass appeared to be a tumor but not to worry because 99% were benign schwannoma tumors of the nerve (hence why it was killing me) and scheduled me to have it removed on June 6.
From the previous post, you know that the following 3 weeks were a blur and focused on my dad. My dad ultimately passed away on June 22 and I was scheduled to have my cast removed the following morning of June 23. No matter what, I was determined to get that thing off my hand. My mom decided to drive me since it had been difficult to drive lately and I just didn't want to go anywhere alone (now I realize it was God telling me that I needed support). I walked into the exam room with puffy, blood shot eyes just waiting to get out of there as soon as possible. In walks the doctor, his nurse, and my mom (who I left in the waiting room) in orderly fashioned. Quite puzzled as to why my mom entered, took the back seat, as the doctor asked about my dad's passing in which I was unable to fight back my tears. After a couple of minutes of saying his condolences, he took a minute to process how he was going to use his words. I can remember those words vividly as it slowly jabbed harder at the broken heart I had succumbed to the previous night. "Jenna, the biopsy I sent off came back with differing diagnoses. St. Joseph's, Gwinnett Medical, and Emory were not conclusive on the type of tumor but have agreed that it's very rare and malignant. We think it's best that you go to M.D. Anderson in Houston for further options. I am so sorry". WHAT!! Malignant! Not me?! How in the world can I lose my father and be diagnosed with cancer in less than 12 hours?! Shocked and dumbfounded my mom and I agreed to the recommendations and drove home silently. I decided to keep the C diagnosis to just my sister, mom, and a few close friends so that the current time could be focused on my dad. However, I was secretly mourning the loss of my father as well as my unknown future.
Fast forward to today, September 1. To recap, my mom and I flew to M.D. Anderson for a consultation as it was recommended. It was the most unorganized institution and holds true to the saying "they are the best" and all the employees sure know it. That's for another rant because I am trying to stay away from the negative and that, my friend, was a horrible experience. After 2 MRI's and 2 CT scans I found out that the cancer has not spread to anywhere else in my body and that it is also so small (since I caught it early) that I don't need chemo :) I've ultimately decided to receive my services at Emory - 6 weeks of radiation for 5 days per week followed by a surgery to remove excess cells, tissue, etc. Emory has been phenomenal and I would recommend the caring and supportive care to anyone! I begin this next adventure on Tuesday September 6th and will hopefully be rid of this disease by the new year. Although I was initially very bitter for having to go through two tragic incidents, it has really changed my entire perception and attitude on life. I can honestly say that some of the most peppy and optimistic people are those I've encountered while in the oncology waiting room. I hope that this experience will not only make me stronger but also make me a better clinician as I truly know what it's like to have gone through a devastating diagnosis yet knowing that the future is possible.
Ok, I know this might be all over the place which is me in true form. I promise to fill in the gaps and share my journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and hopefully touch those around me!
It all started in April when I noticed a small nodule on my left palm near my thumb. Of course, I thought nothing of it until it started growing rather rapidly and began to ache when there was pressure applied to my hand. Reluctantly I scheduled an appointment with my internist, who brushed it off as a cyst and could be simply abscessed, sending me on my way. I called the general surgeon that she recommended but unfortunately he was unable to see me as the hand is a much complicated area and referred me to a hand and upper extremity surgeon. Appointment made, no problem, oh wait, it was 4 weeks away. Continuing to grow and cause more pressure I made a point to explain my urgency (for those that know me, I am very adamant- get it from my dad) and got in that day to see the doctor's nurse. I swiftly left work to go to my appointment, once again, thinking that all was A-ok. Well, I immediately sensed that there was a concern as soon as the nurse said, "Wow, cysts are very rare in this area and I've actually never seen one here." From there every nurse in the office proceeded to come in to see my hand as if it was a science project gone wrong. The doctor's nurse told me to get an MRI of my hand ASAP and come back to see the doctor for further review. FYI - open MRI's are not available when scanning the hand and I made it clear that confining me to a small space for an hour was impossible without knocking me out or giving me a couple cocktails....Xanax it was! (Side note - when I had my heart surgery and they were about to strap me to the table I told them that they would have to knock my fanny out before getting near me with those straps - yes, I am an old woman trapped in a 25 year old body). Loopy and extremely happy - from the drugs not the idea of getting inside a coffin - I got my MRI completed and met with doctor the following week. He indicated that the mass appeared to be a tumor but not to worry because 99% were benign schwannoma tumors of the nerve (hence why it was killing me) and scheduled me to have it removed on June 6.
From the previous post, you know that the following 3 weeks were a blur and focused on my dad. My dad ultimately passed away on June 22 and I was scheduled to have my cast removed the following morning of June 23. No matter what, I was determined to get that thing off my hand. My mom decided to drive me since it had been difficult to drive lately and I just didn't want to go anywhere alone (now I realize it was God telling me that I needed support). I walked into the exam room with puffy, blood shot eyes just waiting to get out of there as soon as possible. In walks the doctor, his nurse, and my mom (who I left in the waiting room) in orderly fashioned. Quite puzzled as to why my mom entered, took the back seat, as the doctor asked about my dad's passing in which I was unable to fight back my tears. After a couple of minutes of saying his condolences, he took a minute to process how he was going to use his words. I can remember those words vividly as it slowly jabbed harder at the broken heart I had succumbed to the previous night. "Jenna, the biopsy I sent off came back with differing diagnoses. St. Joseph's, Gwinnett Medical, and Emory were not conclusive on the type of tumor but have agreed that it's very rare and malignant. We think it's best that you go to M.D. Anderson in Houston for further options. I am so sorry". WHAT!! Malignant! Not me?! How in the world can I lose my father and be diagnosed with cancer in less than 12 hours?! Shocked and dumbfounded my mom and I agreed to the recommendations and drove home silently. I decided to keep the C diagnosis to just my sister, mom, and a few close friends so that the current time could be focused on my dad. However, I was secretly mourning the loss of my father as well as my unknown future.
Fast forward to today, September 1. To recap, my mom and I flew to M.D. Anderson for a consultation as it was recommended. It was the most unorganized institution and holds true to the saying "they are the best" and all the employees sure know it. That's for another rant because I am trying to stay away from the negative and that, my friend, was a horrible experience. After 2 MRI's and 2 CT scans I found out that the cancer has not spread to anywhere else in my body and that it is also so small (since I caught it early) that I don't need chemo :) I've ultimately decided to receive my services at Emory - 6 weeks of radiation for 5 days per week followed by a surgery to remove excess cells, tissue, etc. Emory has been phenomenal and I would recommend the caring and supportive care to anyone! I begin this next adventure on Tuesday September 6th and will hopefully be rid of this disease by the new year. Although I was initially very bitter for having to go through two tragic incidents, it has really changed my entire perception and attitude on life. I can honestly say that some of the most peppy and optimistic people are those I've encountered while in the oncology waiting room. I hope that this experience will not only make me stronger but also make me a better clinician as I truly know what it's like to have gone through a devastating diagnosis yet knowing that the future is possible.
 |
| I had to make light of the situation and drew a face on the bump :) |
 |
| Lily would sleep right next to my arm every night. |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)