Imperfections

What's an Imperfection? It's something that we subconsciously feel uncertain about. Something we become insecure about regardless if it is seen by the stranger's eye. We all have them yet we are able to rejoice or become a prisoner to the imperfection. You decide.

It's been a while but wanted to talk about something that I have definitely been searching for and feel like I have finally found it: myself, my morals, my views, and my self worth. Up until June 2011 I can most certainly profess that I did not know who I was, spiritually or emotionally, was not comfortable in my own skin, and tried to follow other's because I did know me...Jenna. It has taken 25 years and over the past 5 years, specifically the last 3 months, to have found my inner voice. Yes, I will be vulnerable and admit that my insecurities were often covered up by my hard working attitude and easy going personality; however, I would often find myself upset, empty, and having a never-ending void because I did not know who I was. I knew that I wanted to be a speech-language pathologist and that, no matter what, I wanted to make a difference in every individual's life I encountered but was unsure how to fill that inner black hole. That was until I was faced with my inner fears and sense of losing control of my personal environment. Until June, I felt comfort in knowing that I could control my environment and situations now knowing that I was fearful of finding my true self.

I know that I keep referring back to my ordeals that I've encountered (death and cancer) but these journeys have made me realize that it is ok to lose control. I am not the one in charge of my path towards the future...our Heavenly Father is leading the way. I have realized that I cannot change what has occurred to my family, by taking my dad away from us at such a young age, but can use this as a true testament to show my strength. I was blessed to witness my dad slipping into the Lord's hands and can share how death should not be a scary situation rather an inevitable blessing. My dad did not suffer nor leave this earth with resentment. I can look at his soul and calm demeanor to pay it forward to those who are scared...scared of rejection, love, loneliness, etc. I had complete peace in my heart and soul on June 22 as I continue to hold to this day. People within my life have often felt pity for my recent ordeals. I, on the other hand, look at this as my opportunity to empower those who come in contact with me.

All of my recent experiences have made me realize that life is a beautiful thing. It is extremely selfish to cry and complain that a tv show was missed, someone cut you off while driving, you weren’t able to spend $110 on shoes, or that you didn’t have a date on Valentine’s day. Life is so much more than that. In my experience saying hello to those sharpie marked individuals, like myself, in the radiation oncology unit daily at 7am, making babies and parents laugh yet share tears of joy, and simply sharing a smile filled with hope has made me sit back and take one second in at a time. I’ve now realized the “simple things in life” that I was too vulnerable and blind to witness…I now thank God for removing the shield from my visual delusions.

We often make ourselves believe that we have truly been taught those lessons as well as deceiving ourselves to “change”. I believe, and have always believed, that actions speak louder than words and did not see the true testament until this past Saturday. Feeling great after 12 hours of sleep (radiation really, really wears you down and I definitely needed the rest) I decided to go to the gym. I was thinking of my dad, as I do while alone and with a clear mind, when I undoubtedly turned to take the LONGEST route to LA Fitness. My first thought was, “Why the hell did I not take a left towards Redding?” I brushed it off and jammed away to Incubus with the cool fall breeze blowing through my sunroof. As I was yielding on Dresden to take a right onto Peachtree, I felt a quick impact from behind….yes, I had been rear ended. In my crazy monkey mode, I jumped out of my car, told homeboy to drive to the Waffle House parking lot (it wasn’t bad), and immediately drew solitude. Solitude in the fact that my dad had always been there to help with car troubles and that I was officially abandoned on my own. An immediate calm came over myself as I realized that I was able to take care of this and rationally taught to handle the current situation (though it did not hit me what my dad had instilled until later). That is also when I realized that I did not cry as I would’ve if my dad were here, waiting for a rescue, nor did I become angry for inconveniencing my routine. Rather I honestly laughed off the fender bender, knowing that it could’ve been a lot worse, made light of the situation with the guy who had hit me, because we all make mistakes, and became at peace knowing that a car/object can be replaced as a life could not. Insert self-recognition, love, cheerleader, and certificate of Jenna Elizabeth Mersfelder…HERE. This is when I realized my immediate knowledge of my life half full (half empty is sooo cliché) and that I have been taught to tune out small, indifferent road hazards. 6 months ago, at least, I would’ve been a crying mess, calling “daddy” for a heroic rescue, asking “why me??”, and would have been paranoid of the ugliness of the current state of my rear bumper. Today, the small imperfections do not bother me because I know that we, as human beings, all have imperfections to which make us stand out yet separate us all from the rest. I am not perfect, never will be, and will always welcome advancements in improving developments within my life. As Marilyn Monroe once said, “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” God Bless.