Change

Oh goodness... if you presented me with change 6 years ago or even 6 months ago I would've freaked out. Reason being? I was completely and utterly insecure to welcome new prospects in my life without my pre-approval. Meaning, I was scared to let my vulnerability, insecurities, and lack of strength be perceived through others. Fast forward to today and I can say that change is a completely beautiful, natural, healthy part of life. For example, caterpillars change into butterflies, crushes grow into long term loves, and an egg can turn into a chick :) Ok, enough of the funny business but in retrospect we need to begin to stop and think about the little things in life.

Change, in its entirety, became a big focus for me when I turned in my resignation two weeks ago. It took on a new attitude and observation that I have regrettably neglected thus far. I now believe that change effects each individual differently. For example, one of my colleagues became aware of my new position, those that had felt optimistic and friendly immediately turned rude and vindictive. I, of course, immediately took this as a personal attack but then I began to reflect on how I personally would react to the situation. The old Jenna would've reacted in a negative attitude  - irritated, self absorbed, and one sided. The new Jenna, on the other hand, would be sad to see that a friend was leaving, ask why they were leaving, and encourage them all the best. Why the change? Through all of my own personal experiences, I have been taught that the more a person tries to take control or be in control of a situation, the more the negativity is portrayed and the lack of trust in the Lord. It was very evident in myself months ago and happily wished those thoughts good-bye!! Although I am constantly trying to help others, I have learned that I can not help those that have not helped themselves. Change is inevitable and the way we approach new situations determines our attitude, happiness (or lack there of), and enthusiasm on the outcome. I have now preached, and shown through actions, that I welcome change with open arms. Change is a way that God is testing ourselves and how we can improve as individuals. Personally, if those approached with change react with negative attitudes then they have chosen to not let the Lord into their hearts to grow further as a follower. I must admit, I was one of those individuals for a long period of time but I am so gracious that I can see change as a strength and opportunity to grow as the person the Lord has envisioned.

On a final note, I have been flooded with love and happy tears as I've said my good-byes to my families at AVC this week. My personal goal to help others, no matter what, has been evident as I've been blessed with sincere words of wisdom and cards stating "see you later" rather than "good-bye". Simple actions such as those are the reason I became a SLP :) I am excited about my new endeavor at Aegis Therapies and feel so humble knowing that all of my AVC families have given nothing but blessings of happiness and promises to keep in touch. See, change is good! :)

Apologies and Updates

So, I apologize for deleting the last post that pertained to my dad. Unfortunately, the more I read it, the more it made me upset and did not want the same effect on my family. I tried to be strong, yet reserved, for about 8 hours but I ultimately pulled the plug. It'll re-appear again in the future but I still think there needs to be more healing time for myself and my family.

What's been going on lately? Well, this past weekend I drove to Macon to attend a "Truth be Told" party, which focuses on painting and including your favorite biblical verses, and saw some of my favorite people - Candace, Deirdre, and Holly. Isn't it just amazing how people become a part of your life? It still makes me smile just knowing that I am surrounded by some amazing people!

First, I'd like to talk about the "Truth be Told" ministries. What a fantastic, amazing vision Elizabeth Hilliard has for the Lord! Long story short, she had a personal experience which made her realize that both she and the Lord have visions for her life. She prayed, let Him come into her heart, and finally saw that she needed to teach others the beauty of art while helping others become one with Scripture. Let's just say I spent a lot of time finding a bible verse that fit with myself, my personality, and the path I have been shown for my life...Path (keyword). Ah ha! After a lot of praying, concentrating, and letting Him take the reigns, I found this, "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." - Psalm 119:105. This verse struck me like I had just experienced a divine intervention -  especially since I've been on a personal journey the past couple of months. Anyway, we began to paint and I, of course, began to doubt myself because I can barely draw a stick figure. Elizabeth immediately became our cheerleader to push and carry on which ultimately showed the creative beings that we were created for. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of the art party and want to thank Mrs. Hilliard for instilling artistic confidence in myself as well as sharing the love the Lord established in her heart.

My Painting!

Now back to those good ol' friends I saw this weekend...where to start?

Candace Haney

It was honestly a crazy way that the two of us met. I was in the middle of my internship at Emory Healthcare in the spring of 2010 and began looking for job openings. I had done a semester with auditory-verbal (AV) therapy while in graduate school and promised myself that the only way I'd work with pediatrics was only doing AV. I honestly loved the entire structure (and still do!!) of AV therapy, so after staring at the Auditory-Verbal Website for over a year (I started hoping the spring of 2009 that I'd be able to do AV full time) I decided to take a look at the employees. Ah HA! Little Ms. Haney is an Auburn alum...cha-ching! It's an Auburn thing, but we have a special relationship and decided to ultimately e-mail Candace immediately. Through e-mails and interviews, Candace and I immediately clicked. Not a "oh we can handle time together" kind of clicked but a "OMG we are too much a like that it's scary" kinda click. And I love it :) She has honestly been one (among the other few-don't worry!) that has been genuine, loving, optimistic, honest, selfless, Godly, genuine (yes, I said it twice), friendly, inspiring, and fantastic woman, mother, daughter, niece, coworker, sister, and friend I'd only hope to become. I am so entirely grateful for her lending ear, patience, laughter, and mentoring she has provided while working at AVC and look forward to a life long friendship that I know will only become greater with time! She is my Thing 1 and I am her Thing 2....if you don't believe me, please contact Anthony Haney! :)

Deirdre Maybank

Deirdre and I were the "newbie's" of AVC. Deirdre is one of the individuals that makes you feel refreshed and you always leave having a smile on your face when you're with her. We were not able to become close in Atlanta (as she worked at AVC-Macon) but I always felt at ease and myself while in her presence. Deirdre, no doubt, shares the love of making others smile as well as being confident in her true friendships. She and I have had some great conversations that ultimately made me feel at ease with myself at the end of every phone call. I remember when I first introduced my mom to her, while my mom was visiting me at work, and she said what a beautiful woman Deirdre was. Deirdre is that inside and out...what a fantastic friend to have! Deirdre and I share a very special bond of Joel Osteen consisting of us sharing messages almost every Sunday. I'm sure that if you asked us both to say the ending prayer of every Joel Osteen program we'd repeat it right away. Deirdre is moving along with her career, as I am, and has not only made a very special imprint in the lives of the families and children that she's served but will continue to profess a genuine, loving, and humorous attitude with her future endeavors.

AVC sleepover!

Holly Stalvey (Taylor)

Why is the "Taylor" in commas? Because Holly is one of my oldest friends and I still think of her as my 18 year old Delta Zeta little sister :) Talk about wholesome...HST is as wholesome, loyal, loving, and as genuine as you get. We have a friendship in which we can go days without communicating but as soon as we get in contact we are right where we left off. Holly and I go WAAAYYY back...laughter, tears, bars, engagements (hers), funerals, graduations, birthdays, break ups, and other events. To be completely honest, Holly was my truest and best friend that I made while at Auburn. I care about her more than anyone can understand and feel privileged to be a part of her wedding and blessed that she would do anything to stop and drink wine with me (she hates Paranormal Activity-FYI!). Since the day I met Holly, I've always felt a sense of maturity, strength, and intellect that I've always admired. She is a phenomenal wife, friend, and overall woman. I love her to pieces...oh, she's incredibly smart too!!

Needless to say, I had a great weekend. I caught up with old friends and met new ones. I'll be completely honest, this weekend made me feel like my old self. That goober, crazy, charismatic, fun loving woman that has been lost for quite a while. It honestly brings tears to my eyes knowing that I've let negative attitudes, oncologist appointments, and reticent behavior let my true "Jenna" self be sucked away ever so slowly. However, my eyes and heart have been opened and I have realized that deep down the old Jenna still has it going on :)

However, this is the sweet angel that I missed and she missed me too :)

Small Perspectives

**Shocker Alert** I've been challenged by God on how I should handle situations not only large but also those very minuscule. I am glad that I have that "laughing mentality", because although these small hurdles would've made me blubber and freak out like a 14 year old teenager a year ago, simply I now give myself at least 30 minutes to laugh, cry, and get over it. Seriously...there are bigger problems in the world, people, so stop complaining that you aren't getting everything on your Christmas list. Be glad you'll have a warm home and loving family to go to regardless if there's a gift under the tree. Anyway, I am a lover of Joel Osteen. He is the TV inspirational speaker (he isn't an ordained minister but still love him) that puts the Scripture into perspective. The other day I was reading some of his articles in which I stumbled across one that really describes my current state on life:

“The Scripture says people will know true Christians by their fruit (see Matthew 7:15–23). They’re not going to know us by how many scriptures we quote. They’re not going to know us by how many Christian bumper stickers we have on our car. People are going to really know that we’re believers when we’re helping other people, meeting needs, doing good works, when we are blessing people with our words and our actions.”

This means that no matter how much you display yourself or brag as a "good person" that ultimately actions speak louder than words. I have been trying to do this in not only my everyday life but also my professional life because I hate seeing others put colleagues down due to their inability to show a "Masters degree" or have "lack of experience". Truth be told, we are all put on this earth for a reason. I appreciate the garbage men/women because there's no way I personally could do their job and same goes for a firefighter. This does not mean I have a lack of respect for them but acknowledge that I am not the fit for their position and I'm grateful for those that are. I've been degraded before because of my personal ability to accommodate people (friends, family, clients, etc.) but I do so because I want to show them that I am not only a professional, daughter, friend, or niece but also a human being. It's something that I think everyone should take a step back and re-evaluate in their own personal life. No one is better than anyone else, you can't change people, we all have a purpose on this earth, and it's our duty to live the life we have to the fullest. Therefore, here's the challenge, although it's an easy concept to recognize but often a hard one to adhere to, step out of your comfort zone and push yourself to respect others as you'd like to be treated. Yes, we've all heard it but have you formally made your actions speak louder than words? Are you honestly treating those around you as you'd like to be treated?

On a fun-final-day-of-radiation-celebration note, I had a great time at dinner tonight with one of my oldest friends, Ali. It's that type of friendship in which you can go a length of time without talking but as soon as you're together it's as if you've gone 1 day without communication. Hooray for good, wholesome friends...and just for Ali, HERE'S TO YOU MAGOO :) I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful weather and fun football season!

Oh, Hi 18 year old Ali and Jenna!

Changes

I've recently been taking some personal time to re-evaluate all aspects of my life: my health, my happiness, my attitude, and my career. When I say "career" I am not second guessing my decision to become a speech-language pathologist (my parents would kill me and probably make me start paying back all the tuition!) yet rather if the placement is optimal at this time in my life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE working at AVC but like all situations in life it has its pros and cons. My heart melts every time I see one of my babies being cradled by his/her mom or dad, a toddler taking 10 minutes to walk to my therapy room because they fall every couple of steps as they're learning how to walk, and even with my preschoolers who think that lions, tigers, and bears (oh my! - cheesy joke) are the funniest thing on the planet. I've had the pleasure to become a part of each of these families as well as them making an enormous impact in my life. From the very beginning of hearing that his/her young baby is not able to hear, to receiving hearing aids or cochlear implants, to having the child learn his/her mother's voice, saying his/her's first word, and learning to speak just like everyone else his/her age, I've been through it all. I would never ever give back what I've been taught at AVC, having met my precious families, or sharing tears of joy when their child has better language abilities then most kids their age.

Now for the ultimate news...I've thought long and hard about how my current position fits within my life as well as all of the changes that are occurring and have decided to switch gears and go back into adult stroke/traumatic brain injury rehab. Yes, I've accepted a position with a company called Aegis Therapies in which I will be working on dysphagia (swallowing disorders), cognition, speech-language, and dysarthria (motor speech disorders) starting October 31. The facility is called Golden Living Centers - Northside located near Northside and St. Joseph's Hospitals. It is a 240 bed facility that have adults aged 18+ for both long and short care rehabilitation. Although this has been an extremely tough decision for me, I am also very excited for the new chapter in my life. When coming to terms with turning in my letter of resignation to AVC, I had to keep reminding myself that the reason I became a SLP was to help people no matter the age, gender, race, etc. Therefore, I want to thank all of my families at AVC, my own personal family, and fantastic friends for all of the love and support!

Yes, I even bought an Auburn ID holder for the new position :)

My Final Words

My dad was an exceptional man. He was hard working (went back to work 3 days after getting out of ICU in 2006), always put our family first, loved to genuinely talk with others (deli managers at Publix to the men at Discount Tire Company), and ultimately portrayed what a man is as well as the qualities I've not only instilled in myself but also into my future. I can honestly say that I still can not go on to discuss his final day on this earth as I am emotionally mourning his absence but do want to share something I wrote in his honor. Originally it was written as a surprise since he and my mom were flown to Chicago in February so that his company could celebrate his early retirement. I then formatted it to lead into his final hours since it was only a 4 month difference. Just as a side note, my sister and I did not initially feel the urge to talk at his "Celebration of Life" ceremony (we would rather celebrate life rather than mourn death in my family) but I wanted to brag about him as he so passionately did about his own family. Although it's short, it's sweet and to the point...just as he would've wanted it. I will one day gain the courage to tell his day on June 22nd but until then, enjoy!

*Dad, where to even begin. First, I’d like to thank you for everything. You’ve taught me so many valuable lessons about life that has shaped me into who I am today. It’s almost impossible to write down everything that describes what kind of man you were. Therefore, I’ll talk about the specific traits that describe you. Wise: I can always remember you asking me if something was “a need or a want” and rephrasing myself to say “I’d like that rather than I want that”. Those phrases consistently run through my head because you instilled very early on to be perceptive and knowledgeable when making decisions. Perseverance: You taught me that no matter what kind of hardships are put in your path that you should continue to march on. You proved this to me not only throughout my entire life but specifically I can still remember you telling me that while you were in the hospital 5 years ago that you had to be home for me 21^st birthday. Every single individual on the medical team at Emory was skeptical with your remark but you proved them wrong. Not only were you home (well, a couple of days past my birthday) but you were also determined to carry on with your life. This strength was the ultimate backbone for getting me through my Masters (that and Auburn football-War Eagle) and other daily hardships that I might encounter. The last word to ultimately describe you is Selfless. I repeatedly think back to your final hours here on this earth and how you took the time to thank every single doctor, nurse, tech, and janitor that helped you with your fight. You diligently shook everyone’s hand and sincerely thanked them for their time. This was an important lesson for me. I hope to carry out every single interaction, from now on, with your grace and generosity. I promise to make it my mission in life to thank and show my gratitude to loved ones, friends, and even strangers just as you did this past Wednesday. And in conclusion, I thank you Dad. You were not only a wonderful father but also a great friend, mentor, colleague, husband, brother, and son. I can’t say thank you, gracias, merci, etc. enough. I can only hope that I can be as influential and driven as you. As my dad said on Wednesday to my mom, sister, and I, “You are now the Three Stooges: Moe, Larry, and Curly”.*

Some of my dad's past memories displayed at his Celebration of Life

5K's...UGH

Oh goodnesssss. 5K's make me sick. My first (and only time) completing a race was the 10K Peachtree Road Race in 1998. Notice the word "complete"...Haha! All of my life I've been extremely active in dance (ballet, tap, jazz, hip hop, toe, and modern) and got into the cheerleading scene in conjunction with dance in high school. I'll be honest because I've never EVER been able to run more than 500 ft without getting a cramp or feeling like I was about to throw up so I blamed it on having a small "wind pipe". Being a speech pathologist that's a term for a small larynx, which I now know that I don't have, but that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! Anyway, back to the Peachtree Road Race which is humorous, quite sad, and pathetic for myself all at the same time. A 5K is equivalent to 3.1 miles which is nothing when you spend an hour on the elliptical at the gym (which I can do). However, that hour during the Peachtree significantly multiplied...multiplied to 3 hours and 30 minutes....you can start laughing now. My excuses were of course my small wind pipe, too many people, doughnuts being passed out on the side of the road (I HATE DOUGHNUTS by the way), oh the naked lady standing in the Ritz-Carlton Hotel window causing a slow down, anddddd ok I'm just not an athlete but I tried and got the t-shirt to prove it. This all leads into my new goal in which I am participating in, the "Winship Win the Fight 5K" on October 15th. As you all know I've been diagnosed with Fibroblastic Sarcoma. I am only 1 in 3 in the entire world to have this type in my hand and correlation between us three amigos is Irish heritage. Guess I'll be making my claim to fame in a textbook which is appropriate since I am a complete nerd :). I've had an initial surgery (finding the cancer), was sent to MD Anderson (BAD CHOICE), and ultimately began treatment at Emory's Winship Center. I've currently completed 17 radiation treatments, which consists of going at 7 am Monday through Friday, and have only 10 more to go! I'm an honest person (eh...good and bad) and it has not been fun what-so-ever but I feel so blessed to have met such heart felt patients, doctors, and survivors thus far! I have to have (hopefully) a final surgery on November 18th with CT scans every 3 months to 6 months to a year for the next 5 years. Reflecting and knowing that this Center has treated me incredibly well and I have seen the wonders, both physically and mentally, that have been performed I've decided to take part in this year's Winship Win for the Fight 5k/Walk (for me walk...I still can't run-wait, I never could :)!) which takes place October 15th. I am only asking for whatever you can do to help...a prayer, well wish, small donation, cheerleader, Olympic athlete (see you in 3 hours!), or a companion for the 5K. It is by no means a monetary contribution for myself rather for all of those that I've encountered to find a cure for this overwhelming and C word curse known as cancer. I've created a page to organize this event but want to thank you in advance for anything and everything you are able to set forth for this cause!

 **This day is also monumental for me as it is the day after I finish my last round of radiation. I won't take off all of my sharpie markings, that I've donned for over 6 weeks, until I get to the finish line! :)

DONATE :)


If you are having difficulty donating then please follow step by step below:

To Help Out - Click Here :)

Instructions on how to register for the walk:

Go to the above link

Click on "agree"

Click "register as an individuals" and again on the next page

Fill Out application

At the bottom put "In Honor of" Jenna Mersfelder and my information (411 Brookhaven Way NE Atlanta, GA 30319) 

In "Cancer Fund Designation" put Sarcoma Program Fund

Click "Cancer Patient"

And Submit :) That's All!

Radiation burn. Now I know what those who are 70 living on the beach feel like, Ouch.

Imperfections

What's an Imperfection? It's something that we subconsciously feel uncertain about. Something we become insecure about regardless if it is seen by the stranger's eye. We all have them yet we are able to rejoice or become a prisoner to the imperfection. You decide.

It's been a while but wanted to talk about something that I have definitely been searching for and feel like I have finally found it: myself, my morals, my views, and my self worth. Up until June 2011 I can most certainly profess that I did not know who I was, spiritually or emotionally, was not comfortable in my own skin, and tried to follow other's because I did know me...Jenna. It has taken 25 years and over the past 5 years, specifically the last 3 months, to have found my inner voice. Yes, I will be vulnerable and admit that my insecurities were often covered up by my hard working attitude and easy going personality; however, I would often find myself upset, empty, and having a never-ending void because I did not know who I was. I knew that I wanted to be a speech-language pathologist and that, no matter what, I wanted to make a difference in every individual's life I encountered but was unsure how to fill that inner black hole. That was until I was faced with my inner fears and sense of losing control of my personal environment. Until June, I felt comfort in knowing that I could control my environment and situations now knowing that I was fearful of finding my true self.

I know that I keep referring back to my ordeals that I've encountered (death and cancer) but these journeys have made me realize that it is ok to lose control. I am not the one in charge of my path towards the future...our Heavenly Father is leading the way. I have realized that I cannot change what has occurred to my family, by taking my dad away from us at such a young age, but can use this as a true testament to show my strength. I was blessed to witness my dad slipping into the Lord's hands and can share how death should not be a scary situation rather an inevitable blessing. My dad did not suffer nor leave this earth with resentment. I can look at his soul and calm demeanor to pay it forward to those who are scared...scared of rejection, love, loneliness, etc. I had complete peace in my heart and soul on June 22 as I continue to hold to this day. People within my life have often felt pity for my recent ordeals. I, on the other hand, look at this as my opportunity to empower those who come in contact with me.

All of my recent experiences have made me realize that life is a beautiful thing. It is extremely selfish to cry and complain that a tv show was missed, someone cut you off while driving, you weren’t able to spend $110 on shoes, or that you didn’t have a date on Valentine’s day. Life is so much more than that. In my experience saying hello to those sharpie marked individuals, like myself, in the radiation oncology unit daily at 7am, making babies and parents laugh yet share tears of joy, and simply sharing a smile filled with hope has made me sit back and take one second in at a time. I’ve now realized the “simple things in life” that I was too vulnerable and blind to witness…I now thank God for removing the shield from my visual delusions.

We often make ourselves believe that we have truly been taught those lessons as well as deceiving ourselves to “change”. I believe, and have always believed, that actions speak louder than words and did not see the true testament until this past Saturday. Feeling great after 12 hours of sleep (radiation really, really wears you down and I definitely needed the rest) I decided to go to the gym. I was thinking of my dad, as I do while alone and with a clear mind, when I undoubtedly turned to take the LONGEST route to LA Fitness. My first thought was, “Why the hell did I not take a left towards Redding?” I brushed it off and jammed away to Incubus with the cool fall breeze blowing through my sunroof. As I was yielding on Dresden to take a right onto Peachtree, I felt a quick impact from behind….yes, I had been rear ended. In my crazy monkey mode, I jumped out of my car, told homeboy to drive to the Waffle House parking lot (it wasn’t bad), and immediately drew solitude. Solitude in the fact that my dad had always been there to help with car troubles and that I was officially abandoned on my own. An immediate calm came over myself as I realized that I was able to take care of this and rationally taught to handle the current situation (though it did not hit me what my dad had instilled until later). That is also when I realized that I did not cry as I would’ve if my dad were here, waiting for a rescue, nor did I become angry for inconveniencing my routine. Rather I honestly laughed off the fender bender, knowing that it could’ve been a lot worse, made light of the situation with the guy who had hit me, because we all make mistakes, and became at peace knowing that a car/object can be replaced as a life could not. Insert self-recognition, love, cheerleader, and certificate of Jenna Elizabeth Mersfelder…HERE. This is when I realized my immediate knowledge of my life half full (half empty is sooo cliché) and that I have been taught to tune out small, indifferent road hazards. 6 months ago, at least, I would’ve been a crying mess, calling “daddy” for a heroic rescue, asking “why me??”, and would have been paranoid of the ugliness of the current state of my rear bumper. Today, the small imperfections do not bother me because I know that we, as human beings, all have imperfections to which make us stand out yet separate us all from the rest. I am not perfect, never will be, and will always welcome advancements in improving developments within my life. As Marilyn Monroe once said, “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” God Bless.